Matt Damon and a homophobic slur:  How to approach someone about offensive remarks

Matt Damon was 'thrilled' with how his daughter articulated the pain she believed a certain homophobic slur could cause - here is how to do the same, without ruining relationships 

Matt Damon says that he has never used a certain homophobic slur in his personal life. Picture: Matt Carr/Getty Images

Matt Damon has been battling the press this week after a British paper quoted the actor apparently recalling the use of a homophobic slur.

However, in a statement on Monday, Damon said that he had never used the word in his personal life (it has featured in one of his older films) but was instead explaining to his daughter how it had been a common term when he was growing up.

While Damon might hail from the US, growing up around offensive language is certainly not exclusive to the streets of Boston.

In 2014, research by Demos showed that over 10,000 tweets containing an offensive slur were posted a day. Since the pandemic hit, over 31% of Asian adults have been subject to slurs or inappropriate jokes, as per Pew Research Centre. In 2019, a cognitive science professor at the University of California surveyed his students to find that the slur Damon spoke to his daughter about was the second most offensive word they believed was around and according to Stonewall.org, 96% of young people have heard homophobic remarks made in school.

It is often the case that people don’t realise the language they are using might upset someone.

“Given the changing demographic in Ireland, it is inevitable that the use of offensive humour or language will occur with no malicious intent,” says Ellen O’Shea of MTU’s Equality, Diversity, and Inclusion centre.

“Just because a word or expression was acceptable at one time however doesn’t mean that it remains so forever. It is often the case that people don’t realise they’re being offensive but that still shouldn’t give them a free pass.” 

How do I approach them?

84% of people reported feeling distressed at hearing homophobic slurs. Picture: Pexels

So what can you do if you are ever in a situation where somewhere uses a homophobic slur?

“The most common form of homophobic language is ‘that’s so gay’ and ‘you’re so gay’ - 99% of gay young people report hearing the casual use of these phrases in school,” says Stonewall's Tackling Homophobic Language guide.

“They are most often used to mean that something is bad or rubbish, with no conscious link to sexual orientation at all. When dealing with homophobic language consistency is key.” 

Of course, sometimes homophobic language can be a lot more sinister. With 84% of people feeling distressed hearing such terms, it’s important to try to tackle any such language.

Don’t let remarks slide. Engage with the person in a private setting after they make the comment, first explaining that the slur is hurtful. 

Many people may not realise what they are saying is wrong and will stop using the language when they are openly told so.

If you feel comfortable, try to repeat the sentence back to the person and calmly explain how and why it landed with you a certain way.

“Our approach is to bring such instances to the person’s attention in a respectful way, showing them the same empathy as we would those who are affected by these words,” Ellen explains. “We believe in giving people a chance to learn. When you know better, you do better.” 

What about a different type of remark?

'When you know better, you do better'. Picture: iStock

The same goes for a remark that is discriminatory towards sex, weight, or race.

“We are inclined to forget at times that Travellers experience horrendous racism, the logic seemingly being that it can't be racism if they are Irish,” Ellen notes. “They endure a legacy of discrimination on a daily basis. There is nothing positive about some of the words they are referred to as, yet those words are bounced around all the time.” 

The University of Portland created a list of responses that can be used to racist comments.

For example, you can tell the person that what they are saying might be insensitive, or respond with: “I don’t want to put you on the spot, but that comment makes me feel uncomfortable.” 

If you are close with the person, try responding with the following: “I don’t know if you know how that sounded, but the way it sounded to me is…” or “What you just said does not reflect for me the good person I know you are.” 

De-escalation 

If this upsets the person, keep focused on why the conversation started and try not to let any deflections upset you.

Psychology lecturer and relationship coach Annie Lavin recommends the following advice for when a situation escalates.

"What I often see in my work is we often jump into defending when we feel attacked. When [people] move into that position of defence, they’re not able to listen. So if both parties could understand or bring their objective, to create the capacity to listen, that would make for a really good first step,” she says.

“Focus on the goal. Keep the conversation centred around the mutual benefit or the sticking point. Stick with feelings or facts, and really importantly, don’t try to sling mud, or apportion blame.” 

Ask the other person to explain their thinking to you if their comment was made about a specific belief rather than used as a “joke”. Equally, ask them what they really meant if they believe there has been a misunderstanding.

“The key to approaching anyone - friend, family, acquaintance, stranger - about being offensive is to do so respectfully.

"Explain why this is offensive and offer an alternative,” Ellen explains.

“Shaming them is both unkind and unhelpful, and definitely not a constructive way of addressing the situation. It comes down to giving people a chance to learn and do better. 

"If they don’t then it is up to us what to do next - take the best and leave the rest or take further steps to address it."