Colman Noctor: Why do we share pictures of our children online? 

It's a mistake to believe the amount of social media engagement we get is an indicator of how good a parent we are

Picture: iStock 

I recently saw a meme that read: ‘I wish my kids would leave me alone while I repeatedly refresh Facebook to see who liked my post about my kids’.

Why do we share posts of our children online? Is it simply a benign pride in who they are and what they are doing, or are there other self-serving motives? This is a topic that can be divisive as it can make some feel people morally superior to others and prompt others to react by suggesting the ‘morally superior parents’ need to ‘lighten up’.

So, what is the ‘right thing to do when it comes to sharing information and images about your children online? First, we have to look, as parents, at our motivation for online sharing and ask ourselves honestly why are we doing it. Then we can move on to consider the benefits/risks from a privacy and consent perspective before making an informed choice about what we want to do. Given the depth of issues involved, this week I will explore the ‘why’ of online sharing and next week I will look at what we need to take into consideration when sharing images of our children.

Online posts are a reflection of ourselves

Pictures of our children tend to get a lot of clicks online. I can share information about an interesting parenting webinar that’s coming up, or the link to my weekly column and it will never get anywhere near the amount of traction as a picture of my three children eating ice cream.

So why do we do this? Why do we feel the need or desire to share photos or images of accounts of our lives, or more specifically our children?

The digital revolution means we have gone from being consumers of media to producers of media. And what we post online is often a reflection of ourselves. When I share a link to a music video or an article with my online social network, I am not only saying ‘this is something I think you might like’, I am also saying ‘this post says something about me’. 

There are many examples of where sharing information online has an underlying motivation. Let’s recall the international ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ of a number of years ago. Was the success of this event because we all wanted to raise awareness of MLS, or was it because we wanted to share a funny video of ourselves, which this campaign gave us an excuse to do?

Please don’t read any high and mighty tones from these observations. I partook in the Ice Bucket Challenge in 2014 and I sported a very fetching handlebar moustache in 2012, not solely because of my desire to raise funds for men’s health, but mainly because I always wondered what it would be like to grow a moustache and the Movember movement allowed me the permission to do that under the guise of charitable altruism.

Social media is not neutral 

It’s natural to want to get recognition for our efforts and to be acknowledged for the things we do, and social media platforms give us a way to achieve this. But we also need to be aware that social media platforms are not neutral and their in-built algorithms, designed to build audiences and profits, can influence what it is we share and set the tone for what topics get the most traction or validation. Posts that tend to get a lot of engagement encourage the user to post more and more similar content because they believe their audience likes it.

But what happens if capturing the event and its online reaction becomes more important than the event itself? Are we in danger of missing out on key life moments?

By posting details of our children’s lives online there is a risk of becoming more concerned with the recognition of others of our child’s efforts than we are about their achievements.  If I post a picture of my six year old holding his ‘Student of the Week’ certificate from senior infants, it is likely to get a lot of ‘likes’. However, there is no evidence of how this post will benefit my child. Given that most six year olds are not on social media, my child is not going to reap the benefits of the positive comments on the post. The more likely scenario is that they will never hear the positive comments at all.  But this type of post will create social capital for me and announces that I am doing a good job as a parent. 

And is there anything ‘wrong’ with this? Of course, there is not. We should be proud of our children’s successes and mark them when they happen. But do these high-engagement posts define what we class as evidence of ‘successful parenting’?

In the main, sharing images of your child or accounts of their achievements or cuteness is not a problem. However, the '4-7 rule' may be a useful guide. We don’t need to hide our children from the public eye and, equally, we do not want to deny their right to privacy by sharing every move they make, so how do we strike the balance?

Focus on your child's sense of self-worth 

I think we need to develop an awareness of ‘why’ we share and have an honest conversation with ourselves about this motivation. When I share information about my children I am saying ‘I am doing a good job’ and my child’s achievements reflect this. Is this a reflection of how I genuinely feel, or am I doing it because it attracts a lot of online validation and ‘likes’ and I like how that makes me feel?

I would also ask parents to spare a thought for how those posts might instigate some competitive parenting dynamics where a social media exchange occurs where we are using our children as pawns in a battle with our own insecurities.

If we believe that the amount of social media engagement we get is an indicator of how good a parent we are, this is a mistake. Good enough parenting is not measured by the list of achievements your child has, or by the amount of traction your posts about them get. It is about the healthy relationship your child has with themselves and their self-worth.

I opened this column with a meme quote I found online, and so it is fitting that I close with another one: ‘Your child’s success or lack of success does not indicate what kind of a parent you are, but having a child that is respectful, a great teammate who tries their best is a direct reflection of your parenting’.

Perhaps the true qualities that make us good enough parents are not always amenable to online sharing, instead they are far more subtle and invisible. So just because you don’t have a lot of content to share online or you are not getting a lot of likes, does not mean you are getting it wrong. To get it right, the focus needs to be on what your child needs.