Dear Louise: My best friend and I ended up in an impromptu threesome

Louise O'Neill, author. Photograph Moya Nolan

Over lockdown my best friend and I became close — hand holding, cuddles, etc — but just as pals. (No gay man wants to fall for a straight guy, it spells trouble.) Then in February, we ended up having an impromptu threesome with a female mutual friend. The weeks that followed had my friend and I being even more intimate; the cuddles became more frequent and the odd kiss wasn't unusual. 

He came over for dinner on Valentine’s weekend with a box of chocolates in hand but I continued to play it by ear because I didn’t want to make things “weird”. In March, I admitted my feelings for him, but within that same phone call he asked me for relationship advice regarding a girl he fancied! 

He has spent the last few months apologising for being thoughtless and for leading me on, even apologising for being straight. However, whenever we drink, we still end up getting cuddly, despite him promising to be more mindful of my feelings. (I am a sucker for cuddles so never complain) This week I moved to Dublin and on my last night, we slept together. 

This level of intimacy is a big deal to me as a sexual assault survivor, which he knows about. We told each other that it wouldn't change anything and he promised to keep in touch as much as ever. But since I've moved, he barely responds to me. He is completely ghosting me. I don't want to hound him with messages — I don't want to come across as needy — but I feel hurt. I'm very lonely up here and I don't know what to do. Any advice?

I think you answered your own request for advice when you wrote — “no gay man wants to fall for a straight man, it spells trouble. I found it interesting that your friend apologised to you for being straight, as if that’s something any of us can control. What we can control is our behaviour, and the way we treat others. We can choose kindness, compassion, respect.

Do you think this man has shown you that? Because it sounds to me like he was lonely during lockdown (weren’t we all?), craved physical affection, and didn’t care where it came from as long as he got what he wanted. Between the cuddles and kisses and hand-holding, this isn’t a case of mixed messages, but rather of one person prioritising their needs over everything else. 

The fact that he could, in the middle of a conversation where you confessed to having feelings for him, ask for advice about a girl he fancied is breath-takingly selfish to me. In this season of Love Island, a few of the women have said they don’t fancy a male contestant because he is “too kind” and it leaves me shouting at the television. 

Surely, kindness is the quality we should be looking for in a partner. It is, to my mind, the best predictor of a relationship’s likely success. Do you think your friend is kind? Do you think apologising for leading you on, and then turning around and sleeping with you again, despite knowing your history of sexual trauma, is a kind thing to do? What about ghosting a friend at their most vulnerable? Was that kind?

Let’s take him out of the equation. At the start of this column, I said the only thing we can control is our behaviour and I wonder if it might be useful for you to examine the role you played in this situation. 

You had an impromptu threesome with a female friend — did that feel safe for you, given your history? Were you attracted to her or was it simply a way of connecting to a man you’d previously assumed was unavailable because of his sexual orientation? I was also struck by how passive you seem to be. When your friend arrived with chocolates for Valentine’s Day, you didn’t say anything because you didn’t want to “make it weird”. 

You’ve continued to enjoy physical intimacy with him because you’re a “sucker for cuddles”, and even now, when you feel lonely in a new city, you don’t want to say anything to him because you’re afraid of seeming “needy”. Have you forgotten that it’s okay for you to have needs? Even if your relationship hadn’t taken a romantic turn, it would be natural to expect a friend to offer moral support during a major life change and to feel disappointed if they let you down. 

There’s a line in the book The Perks of Being A Wallflower, where a character says — “we accept the love we think we deserve”. So, I ask you — is this the ‘love’ you think you deserve? A half-hearted love behind closed doors, one where you have to compromise your needs? Where you don’t feel able to express yourself honestly for fear of scaring the other person away? I’ve never even met you and I can tell you already, you deserve a lot more than that.

This is a tough time. You’re hurting and you’re lonely and I know it’s easy to believe this man is the key to making everything better. That if only he loved you in the way you want to be loved, you would feel safe and secure. But that’s not how life works. Intimacy can be terrifying for those of us who’ve experienced trauma and it takes time to trust someone enough to let them in. But we have to make sure the other person is worthy of that trust.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is to take this time and use it for healing, for self-discovery, and for figuring out where your personal boundaries lie. After that, the work is to protect those boundaries at all costs, knowing you are entitled to do so. Don’t settle for anything else less than you deserve.

• Louise always recommends speaking with a professional for more support.