Miscarriage Stories: We lost a baby during IVF treatment and it took a toll
'The severe toll that this took on our marriage was palpable'
My husband and I experienced three miscarriages in a row. I was 35 and blamed myself for trying to have a family too late.
After the first miscarriage, I was told by the doctors that it's very common and to try again! When I was miscarrying we were brought into a maternity ward where there were visibly pregnant women all around us, beaming with excitement!
We had no privacy and were treated like a statistic; we weren't even offered a consultation afterwards. The worst part was that there was no explanation for it.
A year later we became pregnant again. This time I was so frightened of it happening again! The anxiety was indescribable. Then I miscarried for the second time and the devastation and grief consumed us.
We had spent the last year planning for the future and suddenly our hopes and dreams vanished once again. We were truly heartbroken and I was getting very depressed and measured my happiness on whether or not I would ever become a mother.
During this time family and friends were all celebrating becoming parents. Christmas time, christenings, birthdays, anything that has anything to do with having children filled me with dread.
I began to make my excuses not to attend them. Finally, another year and a half after my second miscarriage we became pregnant again, only to miscarry once more for the third time!
At this point, we had been to fertility consultations, taken every vitamin known to man, exercised and lived a very clean lifestyle but we couldn't get any answers. The irony was we were an extremely fit and healthy couple and my fertility was excellent for my age.
The most frustrating part during all of this was that in Ireland doctors won't even look at your fertility issues unless you've had three miscarriages!
The severe toll that this took on our marriage was palpable. Our whole lives revolved around the cycles of trying for a baby and the grief of losing them.
Eventually, we made a very difficult decision to do IVF! Three rounds later and we became pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl who are healthy and happy three-year-olds today.
My story has a happy ending but it was a very long and difficult journey to get there.
We need to be more proactive and make men's and women's fertility and reproductive health a priority by firstly, talking about it and secondly, thoroughly investigating it with specialists in this area.
We were lucky that we had the financial means to make having children a possibility for us. There are thousands of couples left to their own devices without any financial or psychological assistance at all. It should not be a social class issue but unfortunately, it is for many!
After four fertility treatments in 2020, our last round of IVF worked and we found out we were pregnant. Nothing was straightforward, blood levels were low but then increased.
Because of Covid I had to go to my 7-week scan on my own to be told that the foetus was measuring behind, had to go back the following week and asked my clinic to allow my husband in, knowing we were facing bad news. They let him come in and there was still a heartbeat but measuring behind.
The third week again I asked for my husband to come with me which they allowed and we were told there was no heartbeat, we'd braced ourselves for the worst every time. After hearing the news we were then told there was what looked like a second sac and cardiac flicker and that was that.
Nothing registered, we wanted to get out of there and only later thought what was that about. We had been referred to the Early Pregnancy Unit in hospital and went two days later on my own as my husband wasn't allowed in, to be told again there was no heartbeat, no second sac and no flickers of any kind.
Unfortunately, the EPU have to see patients twice before confirming a miscarriage so we had to wait another week of nothingness to go in alone again and to hear for the third time there was no heartbeat and would probably have to wait for a D&C, thankfully they had an appointment for the next morning and on the 11th of December I went in on my own for the procedure.
Because we did IVF we didn't grieve and probably still haven't, fertility treatment is a process and you take it as it comes, people deal with it very differently and I don't think there is a right way to cope or grieve but definitely, it needs to be spoken about more.
I'd had trouble getting pregnant but after one round of IVF, I had my son. Given my age and previous difficulties we decided to give it another try two years later but got no viable embryos.
Then a few months later I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it, we went for an early scan, I had all the pregnancy symptoms but there was no heartbeat, the staff were so kind, I was devastated, I felt broken.
I still cry sometimes even two years later. I could have waited until the next week for a D&C but opted for the pill. I just wanted it to be over. I bled for two weeks.
My husband suggested we try another round of IVF but I just can't do it, I can't take anymore heartache, if I get pregnant naturally then I will be thrilled but I no longer seek it out.
I had five miscarriages including ectopic pregnancy. I had endometriosis so was able to get pregnant but not maintain a pregnancy. In order to manage the pregnancy I went through IVF - I was very lucky to have twins on the first cycle.
I didn’t share my miscarriage experience with many people. I am quite stoic and for me it was a case of accepting it wasn’t meant to be. I also have a quite demanding job so in some ways it was easier to get on with it.
Because I didn’t make a big deal he didn’t ever consider it or me as requiring additional emotional support.
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