Miscarriage Stories: I found out I had a missed miscarriage at my 12-week scan 

We asked readers to share their experiences of miscarriage. These are their stories

First-person accounts of miscarriage in a pandemic

‘There is no after care post-miscarriage in this country’ 

I had a missed miscarriage at nine weeks in March 2021. My husband was not allowed to attend any of the three hospital appointments with me due to Covid-19 restrictions. This was our first and only pregnancy.

The staff in the hospital were very kind and sensitive at the time of the miscarriage but there is no after care post-miscarriage in this country. There appears to be a total disconnect between the GPs and the Maternity Hospitals despite their being linked as part of the HSE's maternity programme. I felt totally adrift once I left the hospital after my last appointment. The silence surrounding miscarriage allows the HSE and the Government to ignore a gaping hole in the health system for support for women and their partners who suffer miscarriages. There is no follow up from your GP despite their being the first port of call in pregnancy. I felt an onus to speak about my miscarriage in the hopes that making noise might shame the Government and HSE into providing better facilities.

As with everything in this country only the loudest will be heard. The impact of the Covid-19 restrictions only exacerbated what was an already difficult time and the restrictions, especially maternity restrictions, were unduly punitive on women. It really feels that women should be eternally grateful for getting/being pregnant, that only the baby matters and women are discarded once no longer pregnant. I'm not even sure that women are treated as separate to their baby while pregnant and find this also very disappointing. Women are more than incubators and deserve respect and support and both are gravely lacking in this country.

‘The entire ward was women like me behind curtains, teary and scared’ 

I had my first son very young in college and on my own. It was amazing and terrifying in equal measures, so much so I genuinely felt I would never have, want or need another baby. Fast forward six years. I had met my husband and we were together for five years. He was so loving and made a mark on my life that I never thought possible.

I woke up one day suddenly wanting to have another baby. It was such a change and like the flick of a switch. After a couple of tries, we were pregnant and so happy.

It was such a different experience to my first time, finding out alone and crying in a nurses office in college.

I went to the GP and booked into the hospital in such haste because this time I wasn't terrified. We got called for our first appointment at 10 weeks pregnant. I had all the checks and bloods taken. Then I went in to see the doctor for a small scan.

Her face said it all, she asked if she could swap from an external to an internal ultrasound as the baby looked 'small'. We did this and I could see the blank expression on her face 

'I can't seem to find a heartbeat'.

I got dressed, I was told maybe my dates were wrong to wait seven days and come back to the early pregnancy unit for another scan. I did this, I went to work and carried on and told none.

I was also being made redundant at this time and had a driving test and two job interviews in the same week. I came back seven days later. I had another internal scan which confirmed no heartbeat and that baby measured even smaller again than the week before. I was told the 'sac is collapsing in on itself' so it was hard to tell the gestation when the baby stopped growing.

I called my husband into the room, and we told him the news . We sat back outside waiting to see a midwife to discuss the next steps. There were other couples arriving with fear in their faces as they saw my red eyes sit there. I couldn't look at them.

We were advised of our options and told this was a 'missed miscarriage' my body hadn't recognised the baby's heart had stopped and continued with the pregnancy as the fetus collapsed and died inside me. I was told I could wait an see if nature takes its course, I could take medication and let the miscarriage happen at home or I could get a D&C. We went for D&C. I didn't want to experience this at home were my son was.

I had to wait four days. It was so strange knowing this was inside me, dead. I sat two job interviews and my driving test. I told no one except my husband because nobody knew we were pregnant. It was so strange. It was the second week in December.

My husband had also just started a new job that week so I had to go into the D&C alone. My sister joined me later. It was so scary.

The entire ward was women like me behind curtains, teary and scared. One by one they took us down to theatre, one going down when another arrived back. I was last, that was unbearable.

I told my family the day before, my mother had seen something was wrong. Most people tried to comfort me with sayings like 'at least you weren't that far gone' 'you'll try again' 'you have a child anyway so it'll be ok'. It wasn't comforting but I smiled and said 'yeah thanks'.

A week passed and that was it no one mentioned it again outside me and my husband. It was hard. I had a lot of sleepless nights. I began to have night terrors which I didn't remember but my husband did. As time went on though it got better. It was strange not having something to represent this loss.

Christmas was coming so we bought a little angel decoration for our tree, we still have it and it brings me comfort every year. We began to collect rocks, small pretty ones if they caught our eye as a nod to what could have been. We take them home and they represent the small beauty that never was. It's been five years since my miscarriage. I never forget, I never really talk about it unless asked.

‘It was the most traumatic 12 hours of my life’ 

I booked a panorama test in Dublin for my second pregnancy. I was 40 and wanted to find out early if there were going to be any issues. I'm from Galway and travelled up alone as I really had no concerns about the scan or blood test.

On first scanning she asked if she could do an internal scan. I was 12 weeks and knew she should be able to see the baby. I knew then that I wasn't going to get good news. Sadly the baby had stopped growing at approximately 5 weeks. I was having a missed miscarriage. As it was a private clinic I was asked to go to the EPU at my local hospital the following day in UHG. It was a Wednesday. Turns out the EPU doesn't open on a Wednesday in UHG.

I returned the following morning where they did another scan and confirmed what I already knew. That I had miscarried. I was then asked to return a week later. I found this part the most traumatic.

A week later I returned where they once again confirmed by scan that I had miscarried. I was then offered the option of a D&C or medication to bring in the delivery. As I was six months after a c-section it was recommended that I opt for the medication.

What followed was the most traumatic 12 hours of my life. The advice that it would be like a heavy period was wholly inadequate and a complete misrepresentation of what followed. I found it absolutely horrifying and would not wish it on my worst enemy.

‘I am one in five’
I'm currently in hospital having surgery to complete my missed miscarriage. I should be 11 weeks. The heartbeat stopped at 8.5 weeks.

‘I had to go back to CUMH alone for eight weeks in a row’ 

Being told alone that I'd a missed miscarriage at my 12-week scan was heartbreaking. But the long drive home alone on a wet and dark October evening wondering how I can gently break the news to my husband was awful. I shouldn't have been the one having to tell him our sad news. Following this I had to go back to the CUMH alone for eight weeks in a row for more tests because my HCG levels weren't dropping. Every week in the waiting room wishing my husband was by my side.

‘When I talk about it, people get uncomfortable’ 

My experience has been a variety. I've had an incomplete one, a vanishing twin and a missed miscarriage in that order over two years. Also two live births along the way.

I've never been ashamed of it but I know that when I talk about it, people get uncomfortable and immediately say ‘I'm so sorry’ and try to move the conversation on.

The hospital staff have always been great about it; really kind and thoughtful and let me know about where the sac would be buried, what counselling was available and follow-up care.

The third miscarriage was in the first Covid lockdown. My husband minded our toddler while I went into the hospital. It was the loneliest two nights and one day I have ever known. I was really lucky to have had kind and decent midwives and a lovely consultant look after me. I just wanted to be home. 

There are three children that I have made that I will never meet. That is a thought that always makes me cry. I'm not going to ever forget them and yes, I will bring it up in conversation if and when I think it's relevant. It's part of this very normal bringing life into the world; some embryos don't make it and that is upsetting and normal.