Miscarriage Stories: I experienced a loss while carrying twins

We asked readers to share their experiences of miscarriage. These are their stories

First-person accounts of miscarriage in a pandemic

‘The newborn babies were right beside me’ 

I lost twins at 10 weeks old. I knew for two weeks that things didn't look good. I had a horrible gut feeling things weren't right and went for a private early scan, they told me my dates were wrong and sent me on my way.

A week later I went to my doctor and thankfully he told me no matter how early, a mother's instinct is important. I had bloods monitored twice, neither time looked promising. A second private scan told me that both babies were gone.

I had to go to hospital to have it confirmed a third time and be booked in for a D&C. I'll never forget saying goodbye to the receptionist and saying ‘oh everything is fine thanks’, the tears in the car after or ringing my husband who was working abroad at the time to tell him all was lost. I’ll never forget sitting in the reception scan area with three heavily pregnant women, knowing I was going to go in and confirm the loss of mine nor will I ever forget being wheeled down for a D&C, the sound of newborn babies ringing in my ears from the ward which was right beside me as I waited for hours. Or the (rightly) ecstatic new parents walking out with a baby carrier and a shiny pink baby girl balloon. They turned right for the elevator to go home as I was wheeled left for the theatre, it is still a memory that brings tears to my eyes.

The nurses and doctors were brilliant. One nurse came in and talked to me for nearly an hour but God it hurt to be the door just before the maternity ward. 

I have since had a second miscarriage, much earlier on, but does that really matter when it was?

Mostly, I've told a very small handful about the first miscarriage and no one about the second. Most comments were that the statistic was so high we are all bound to have one or know someone who had, or at least I got pregnant, or at least I already have children. None of those things helped, they never made me feel better or lessened the hurt, they only made me talk even less about it and about my three little babies that never were.

‘I lost twins’ 

I found out I was pregnant in early January of this year. We were so happy. it was a little sooner than we had expected but over the moon nonetheless. My symptoms kicked in immediately and I was pretty ill for about two weeks then they lessened.

My first scan was booked for March 1 but my partner would not have been able to come with me. My brother had told me about a private clinic that was allowing partners in so we said we'd get a scan at 10 weeks so he could be there for the first ever scan.

Unfortunately we were told that our babies had no heartbeat. So not only was I told I'd lost a baby but I had actually lost twins. We then had to call the Early Pregnancy Unit and thankfully they were able to get me in right away to confirm.

I was all on my own at this stage and my partner, had no choice but to wait in the car for three hours while I went through another internal scan and had to make the decision on how best to move forward.

I decided to go with the medical option as it meant I could be at home as I really couldn't face another hospital appointment on my own. The forced miscarriage happened two days later and my partner never left my side all day. The pain was immense for about two hours and when it passed the relief was immeasurable.

It was so incredibly hard to do it.

My work was incredibly supportive and I took three weeks off to get my head together. After about two weeks I felt better and more myself.

When I discovered the miscarriage I was also told I had a very large cyst on my ovary that now needs to come out and we can't try until that comes out but it's been delayed.

Mentally we're ready to try again and both our heads are in such a good place after it all.

It was an incredibly tough time but talking about it has helped and thankfully I have an amazing partner and support system.

‘I miscarried one of my twins’ 

My experience is somewhat different in that I miscarried one of two twins. So I have had the unusual experience of experiencing a loss and a continued pregnancy all at once.

It has been difficult. People want you to focus on the healthy baby. "At least you still have..." "just focus on..."

And I realise I am lucky to still have my own little light at the end of the tunnel after a loss, but I'm still experiencing the same thing - that baby lived for 9 weeks and then passed away. It's not like it didn't exist.

With a miscarriage of a singular twin you don't get the same symptoms as a single pregnancy, no bleeding, D&C. The foetus will live inside me until my body "reabsorbs it like a wound"? - the doctor's words, not mine.

It's not a wound. It's a baby I had plans for.

I still see it every time I go for a scan and I can't help but feel that when my healthy baby is in this world I will always feel as though the other part of him or her is missing.

The worst part was being alone without my husband when I found out. My heart shattered and shattered again having to call him and break the news. I should never have had to tell him that. He should have been with me. We should have found out together. I'll never get over being alone when I found out.

So now, here I am with a pregnancy carrying two babies, one I am terrified of losing and one I have already lost. The emotions and feelings are so complex. I cannot get excited. Fear and worry has completely taken over and I feel I've been forever changed at the experience of losing a baby. I long for the naivety of my first pregnancy when all went well (I’m blessed with a healthy two-year-old ?). I'll never get that simple happiness back.

"It's so common" we hear.

That doesn't mean it's easy.