Miscarriage Stories: I lost a baby in the middle of a pandemic 

We asked readers to share their experiences of miscarriage. These are their stories

First-person accounts of miscarriage in a pandemic

‘I spoke to a male GP who said “Sure that's great, you'll be all set up for the next time”’ 

After trying to get pregnant for two years, my husband and I decided to make sure everything was ok and made an appointment to go to a fertility clinic for some tests.

There was a 3-month waiting list so on the cycle before the appointment, I went and got my tests done.

Christmas came and I missed my period for the first time so we did a test, and three more just to be sure. I took every multivitamin, cut down to one cup of tea a day, exercised, drank water, I never felt better.

With Covid restrictions meaning my husband couldn't come to any scans, we booked a private scan to have as our first one so he could see our baby too. When I was 9 weeks pregnant, we went along to the scan, full of nervous excitement.

The midwife asked me if my cycle was regular if I had cramping or bleeding. I hadn't experienced either. She quickly put everything away and said the words that kicked me in the gut.

 "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat. For a pregnancy of 9 weeks, I would expect there to be one. Please contact the A&E department of your maternity hospital."

And that was it. We weren't given any scan photo.

Luckily for me, my best friend is a midwife and made all the necessary arrangements for me to go to the early pregnancy unit a few days later. We lived in hope that the first scan had been a mistake but I started bleeding the night before the hospital appointment so I knew it was true.

I will never forget the loneliness and fear of having the scan in the hospital to confirm my worst nightmare without my husband being able to be there to hold my hand.

The doctor was so kind but it's not the doctor's kindness I needed. I was sent to a room to sit alone while I waited to discuss my options. When I was called to see the doctor again, they told me I could ring my husband, who was sitting in the car, to come in with me. I chose to take the medication to "move things along".

The Covid numbers were so high, the thought of having a D&C in the hospital, without my husband's support, wasn't an option. I took the first tablet at the hospital and went home. 48 hours later, I took the second tablet. I had a severe reaction to it and was violently shaking. The pain was some of the worst pain I'd ever felt.

I thought it would never end. 

I lost so much blood I felt faint. My husband was worried that it was abnormal so we rang my GP.

I spoke to a male GP who said "sure that's great, you'll be all set up for the next time". I felt sick that a doctor said that to me.

The next few days passed in a haze of bleeding, cramping and the constant thoughts that I did something to cause this. Covid restrictions meant that I was offered no counselling or support from my hospital. Pregnancy loss is inhumane at any time but it felt extra cruel when I couldn't hug my parents or my friends.

It was only when I spoke to friends and colleagues who shared their own experience of pregnancy loss that I realised how many women I knew had been through it too.

Someone said to me ‘I'm so glad it all worked out in the end’ 

I did the test at 7 am before I went to work. When it came up positive I wasn't joyous like with my previous two pregnancies. I was shocked, I was in disbelief. I rang the doctor and arranged a scan all in a fog.

Then I started bleeding. I went for a scan. No heartbeat. They thought maybe it was too early. I wasn't sure about my dates.

Then I got Covid. I had to sit and isolate, not knowing if my child was alive. A child I never knew I wanted that I couldn't have wanted more. It was a kind of torture I will never be able to explain.

The sickness, the waiting, the unknown. Then I could go back for the long-awaited second scan, ALONE, nobody to hold my hand when again there was just an empty sac, no heartbeat.

I had to wait in the waiting room with the expectant moms when all I felt was the expectation of doom, of loss. 

I had to go to the blood room, the final checks on my HCG levels.

I sobbed and sobbed. The loneliness of it all with no partner to hold my hand. Another blood test followed and then, the phone call. My baby was no more. I was given my options. I chose to go for tablets. I didn't want to be away from my other babies overnight.

The choice was taken away. That option failed. Like my pregnancy. I was bereft. A night in the hospital was followed by a D&C. The day was poignant, the 20th anniversary of my father’s death. My baby had an angel, I hoped. In my head my baby is called Alex. Alex my angel. It was the loneliest time of my life.

Did I talk about it? Was I ashamed? I spoke about it to a very tight circle of friends and in time some family. It hurt my heart to tell them, I wanted to protect them from the sadness. One year on, I have a newborn. Someone who knew said to me ‘I'm so glad it all worked out in the end.’ I wonder about that, ‘in the end' there was an end for my Alex. 

No baby replaces another. Alex will always be in my heart.

‘We told nobody about the pregnancy or the miscarriage’ 

I tried for my first baby at the start of this year, I got pregnant straight away. At 6 weeks I miscarried. It was an awful, very lonely and scary time for me and my boyfriend.

We had told nobody we were pregnant and told nobody about the miscarriage. I had to continue my day as normal as at the time I didn’t want to believe it was a miscarriage.

I didn’t feel like my GP was much help, as I was after having Covid and losing a close relative at the time.

I needed support and I wasn’t given any. Thankfully I am now 19 weeks pregnant and so far so good but the anxiety that follows a miscarriage is frightening.

‘The pandemic made everything harder’ 

I've had four miscarriages since the beginning of 2020. Each utterly devastating. It's been so hard particularly during Covid to deal with this as just us without any wider support network. We've been doing IVF since the middle of 2020 and going to each appointment alone, doing egg collection alone, doing embryo transfer alone, all without my partner… it just compounds one of the most stressful and sad years of my life.