How to face the world again when you feel anxious about getting close to people

Shops are reopening, and hospitality is just around the corner. But what if you are feeling anxious about facing people and the world again? Clinical Psychologist Mark Smyth has some advice

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As we enter a new phase in the Covid-19 crisis, and there is light at the end of the tunnel, many of us are preparing to return to our lives as they were before. But for a significant number of people, the events of 2020 and 2021 have had a serious impact on their mental health and the thoughts of a re-entry into a world full of close contacts with no masks is too much to imagine.

There are varying degrees of apprehension amongst people and it’s not restricted to those with a history of anxiety or mental illness. The 2020 president of the Psychological Society of Ireland, Mark Smyth, believes it all comes down to hope.

“Hope is important, but hope is also a really, really dangerous thing because we only get so many goes at it. If you put hope in something and you set a date and it gets taken away again we get hit much harder, which we saw during the lockdowns.

“We had a gradual reopening, we were reconnecting with people, there were lots of positive messages and then bang, it’s gone. What people do in terms of being anxious and not having huge hope, is that the third time around they’re protecting themselves.

“They know how much frustration there was, how hurt they were, how disappointed they were when the restrictions came back in and they don’t want to feel like that again. ‘I’m going to be cautious about reintegration. I’m going to be cautious about having hopes that I’ll get my job back, that I can mix with my friends, that I can go for a pint, that I can do the things I used to. I don’t want it pulled from under me again.’

“When you talk about resilience and hope people always think it’s a positive thing but hope isn’t always positive, especially if you’ve experienced disappointment and get your hopes up and it’s gone. Then you’re very wary of having hope. It can be even more painful. If you just expect that everything is going to be crap, then you don’t have as far to fall.

“It’s not positive to have that negative outlook on life all the time but when you start to dream big, when you start to think of all the things that might be possible and then it’s gone again, it can be so hard.”

Mark says that we don’t have to wait until the world is back to normal to see the impact that the pandemic has had on our mental health. Both public and private mental health services are overwhelmed and he has “received a year’s worth of private referrals in the last six weeks.”

Conversations about mental health services being unable to cope with the number of people trying to access them are starting but that the data won’t be released for a few months. Both Mark and his colleagues don’t need to wait to see that data though because the impact is already here.

A lot of the source of anxiety for people comes from not knowing what is next. In the last four years things have happened that many people here thought were impossible. Donald Trump became US President, the UK voted for Brexit and a global pandemic hit and Mark says it’s completely understandable that people are now fearful about what may be around the corner.

“Brexit had been the bogey man for the last three years. We had lots of coverage around the border issues and the potential economic downturn because of it. There were discussions about the ability to travel and all of these big, huge things but then Covid came along and said, “here, hold my beer’.

It would be a very intolerant person that would say to someone feeling anxious about the future ‘it’ll be grand’. It hasn’t been grand and it’s not grand. Reassurance doesn’t work if people are anxious.

“The Government don’t want to deviate from their position of keeping it together and in doing so they’re missing people because they’re not acknowledging that, yes, you’re right to be scared. The economy could be under serious pressure, there could be job losses. It could take time to get the vaccine rolled out to the people, to get the amount of immunity we need to get people back to matches and back to the pub, back to restaurants, and not wearing masks. Some people are naturally sceptical, to protect themselves.” But what happens when that scepticism goes beyond just questioning what you’re being told. When does caution tip over into anxiety and dread and something to be concerned about?

Mark says that tokenistic self-care isn’t enough for us in the months after society reopens. “This isn’t a case of ‘oh I’ve been feeling stressed, I’ll do something nice on Saturday and I’ll be grand. It needs to be a recurring event in your diary because Covid has been a chronic stress impactor on us.” He also says that talking about what you’re feeling is one of the most powerful things you can do.

Openly chatting with friends and family about the anxiety you’re experiencing can lead to others reveal their own fears which will lessen the feeling that you’re alone in this. Talking normalises what’s going on which is important because feeling anxious about what has happened is a normal reaction.

“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour,” is a quote from the renowned psychiatrist Viktor Frankl and Mark says it’s an important point to remember.

“What we also need to be wary of is not creating a mental health epidemic by pathologising everyday reactions. Feeling anxious about coming back to something is a normal event. You don’t need to talk to a psychologist about it. If it’s chronic, if it’s persistent, if it’s stopping you from engaging in life, then yes, of course speak to a professional but the first and most important port of call would always be to talk to a friend or a loved one. That’s the most important thing, and to do it early so that we don’t automatically jump to, I’ve got an anxiety disorder. I’m depressed.’ It invalidates your own response to it, which is as it should be.” If you’re dealing with a young person who is struggling with re-joining a post Covid world Mark’s advice is to make sure that you’re ok first.

Secure base

“With parents, what I would say, it’s similar to when we used to go on airplanes. Remember when the crew would tell you that in the event in a sudden drop in cabin pressure put on your own mask before attending to children? Remember that. A lot of parents over emphasise trying to make sure their child is okay at the expense of themselves. If a parent is getting support and is managing and is doing the best they can for them to be okay as much as the can in the situation, it’s more likely their kids are going to be okay. The adults around a young person are what counsellors call a secure base.

“It makes them feel emotionally secure when their secure base is stable. That’s a lot of pressure on parents to be okay and you don’t have to be all the time. Sometimes for a parent of a young person, acknowledging that their anxious or frustrated too is ok. Sometimes parents can have this idea that they have to suck it up, appear strong because if they don’t appear strong, their kids will get anxious because they don’t see them as strong. Whereas actually a parent acknowledging their own anxiety gives the child permission to be anxious, and to share that experience together. Then the parent can role-model how to come out of it. How to come through it.”