All they want for Christmas - is you 

The gift of being present is the best gift to give children this 'make-and-do' festive season, family experts tell Helen O'Callaghan 

PRECIOUS MOMENTS: Children thrive when they feel connected to their parents and caregivers.

CHRISTMAS is on the horizon and if the season of goodwill is about anything it’s about family. Yes – that same family that became the holding place for the past nine months for needs, emotions and tensions that are usually let off through outlets beyond the family home.

Is something going to give? Or can families rise to this challenge too – of creating a good Christmas, one that will most likely almost exclusively be spent with the same loved ones we’ve been closeted with for the best part of a year?

Family has always been the cornerstone of society, giving a sense of safety and security, says senior clinical psychologist Dr Yvonne Quinn. “For children, it’s the foundation for establishing the secure relationships that shape how they relate across their life.” With the pandemic, families faced a pervasive sense of uncertainty – anxiety-provoking and difficult for both children and adults, says Quinn. “The family became more important, as an anchor supporting us to feel secure amid a global sense of uncertainty.”

 But families didn’t get a break. Covid restrictions and the need to keep safe from the virus saw to that. The channels through which we usually maintain wellbeing – what child psychotherapist Dr Colman Noctor calls ‘our mental fitness’ – were unavailable to us: workplace, colleagues, friendship, exercise, hobbies.

“Getting our anger and frustrations dispersed among our networks is core to our sense of wellbeing,” says Noctor. “If you’re feeling disgruntled you might be distracted by 10 things during the day – meeting a friend for coffee, going to the gym, travelling for work. You get things off your chest, process and make sense of them. Without these avenues, things become intense – the energies are still there and the people in close proximity get the brunt of it.” 

This year the family has become a temporary stopgap for our peer relationships, says psychotherapist Joanna Fortune. “Peer socialisation that would occur with friends is now happening with our families,” she says, adding that what’s hardest for her about Covid restrictions is not having time with women friends. Peer relationships aren’t just important for children, she says – they’re very significant for adults too.

“As the adult in the family, many people depend on you, yet you’ve got no outlet. And for couples in relationships, the night away, dinner in a restaurant, the date night – all have been taken away.  This impacts how couples manage tensions.” 

CABIN FEVER

Isolating at home with family during winter – with shorter, colder days – was always going to be hard. Winter at best of times means inside time, says Noctor. This creates cabin fever. “Being cooped up together for long periods of time creates friction. Patience and tolerance are tested. It’s understandable people would become brittle, agitated.” 

Quinn sees a sense of loss around 2020 – parents juggling new work environments and reduced childcare options, have less access to hobbies and ageing grandparents. A mum of four, she senses at the school gate that parents are trying to compensate for what has been missed out. “There’s huge pressure, wanting to create a more spectacular Christmas as compensation for what has been lost. It’s driven by parents’ own internal experience rather than by children who are generally robust and resilient.”

 But what children really crave is a sense of connection with their caregiver. “They want to be seen. They want present parents in the here-and-now, parents who aren’t distracted by work, phones or the internal chatter of their minds. The gift of being present is the gift to give children this Christmas.” 

She acknowledges this is hard to do when we’re all feeling fatigued and depleted. “The continuous uncertainty we’ve been living with is psychologically exhausting. To expect more of ourselves, to rev ourselves up to create a spectacular Christmas, is such a big ask.” 

The pull for many is to do more, buy more, create more special moments, but when we get caught up in doing, our capacity to be present and attuned is reduced. “We can’t meet our kids’ needs if we’re depleted, so it’s important to recognise what keeps us well – getting out in the fresh air, looking after our nutrition, our sleep. We need to meet ourselves with compassion, recognise self-care comes first,” 

Quinn says, adding that we should dose ourselves frequently through the day with what replenishes us – spending a few minutes deep breathing or having a cup of coffee by yourself.

FAMILY UNIT

Fortune says any Christmas is tension-loaded when extended family gets together for a long time. Such large family gatherings are unlikely this year. Look for the opportunity in that, urges Fortune. “Maybe this is the year to have your own mini-Christmas on your terms. Maybe it’ll be the first Christmas for people to have dinner as just their own family unit.” 

It won’t feel like a typical Christmas, but perhaps you can start a new tradition. Fortune’s favourite happens on Christmas Eve when she and her husband gift each other and their three-year-old daughter a book and their favourite chocolate bar. “We look at each other’s books and then we all head off to bed early with our books and our chocolate.” 

So how do we approach Christmas this year, according to where children are at?

Toddlers/young children

Contrary to some popular advice, Fortune recommends delaying Christmas excitement. Young children often it difficult to understand that 'Santa isn’t coming for a while', she says.  

Focus on the magic, whether elf-on-the-shelf or the fairy door in the garden that you’ll decorate with holly. “Magic’s just a state of mind. Magic’s between you and your child. I’ll be wrapping a little present to leave at the door for our fairy.” 

Pre-teens

They’re at a very activity-based stage of life, says Noctor. “They’re the really scheduled kids who get bored easily, the ones needing the biggest level of structure and entertainment. They’re not young enough to be easily entertained, or old enough to be independent.” 

Parents should give themselves a break from being the entertainer. “Put it back on them to find something to do. A degree of boredom isn’t bad – they need to be able to self-soothe. Boredom’s an opportunity for them to be creative.”

 He recommends facilitating and enabling activity rather than over-orchestrating it. “Suggest rather than instruct. There’s a big difference between being asked to do something, and being told. Instead of ‘go play twister with your sister’, have the twister in the room – they may take it out.”

Teens

They’ve had it hard, says Fortune. “The family isn’t the important hub of social development for teens. The peer group is. They’ve been denied the opportunity to pull away from family at a time of peak brain development.” 

It’s important to be kind, tolerant, when they’re frustrated, to reflect with empathy: ‘I get how hard it is for you, not to be able to meet friends. I appreciate you’re doing your best.’ 

Watch movies together. “They pick theirs, you pick yours and you watch each other’s. Have popcorn. Cuddle under the duvet," she says. 

This isn’t the time for imposing chat or questions on them. “Just being with them is a lovely nurturing connection. You’re doing communication, conveying ‘I want to connect with you. We can spend time together and just enjoy it.” 

Christmas 2020 will undoubtedly be different, what Noctor calls ‘a make-and-do Christmas’. We need to acknowledge that – and to say it’s ok. It’s a year to switch our focus from what we can’t have, to what we can – a Christmas, not for perfection, but to relax into.

*Dr Colman Noctor is author/presenter of ‘Asking for a Parent’, a conversational podcast that describes the most common and complex child-rearing challenges and provides better ways for listener to understand a child’s behaviour. Click here.