Learning Points: How do I stop my kids spending too much time playing video games?

Richard Hogan answers a reader's question about managing gaming and boundaries

Two boys playing online games

I read your article last week about children’s gaming habits and it really hit home as my 10-year-old twin boys are on their devices way too much. They game every night and, as you say, they scream and roar when playing. Their younger sister is sometimes frightened by what she hears. My husband and myself fight about it and it causes a lot of tension, he brought the games into the house and now they are taking over. Even their teacher has commented to me that they seem more distracted than ever. I really don’t know what to do. I know it's not a bit of harmless fun like my husband thinks but I’m the only one trying to stop them from gaming in the house and they can become quite aggressive towards me when I tell them they have to stop and go to sleep. I dread the weekends because they game all day and all night. The bad language, aggression, and lack of outside activities are really worrying. I really need some help.

The first thing you have to remember is that a family that operates under an inverted hierarchy is never going to be peaceful. There will always be conflict. Your children should never be allowed to dictate the rules of the house. That is not to say you become a dictator or the tsar of your family unit but rather an authoritative parent whose voice is heard and whose rules are fair, clear and obeyed. This is the first step in getting control of your children’s gaming habit. 

Parents can often feel; to set boundaries is to become authoritarian, and yes if the boundaries are oppressive and destructive to your child’s wellbeing they will be authoritarian and negative but if the boundaries allow for your child to make mistakes and still hold when they are tested, they will be authoritative.

Boundaries are such an important part of your child’s development, and it sounds like they are not in place here. You said you dread the weekend because their gaming is out of control. I have heard parents utter this sentiment so many times in my clinic. In systemic theory we have a word called homeostasis and it means balance. 

The reason I’m mentioning it here is because you have to first address how the balance in the family system has fallen into this shape. How is it that the children are allowed to game all day at the weekend when you do not want them to? This is not about blame but really having an in-depth look at how your family system operates. 

It sounds like yourself and your husband do not agree whether the children are gaming too much or not. Again, very common but nothing is more destructive to healthy family boundaries than parents who cannot agree on an approach to parenting their children and this is probably the reason you have an inverted hierarchy. So, this needs to be addressed immediately. 

Children are always watching to see if we are aligned as parents and if they notice difference, they will take full advantage of that. You have to sit down with your husband and really discuss this issue and come to an agreement about how you want your children to be in the world. 

Children crave boundaries, it is what teaches them how to manage the world as they move forward in their lives. Children who never have to account for their behaviour or never have to compromise and always get what they want will not only find it difficult to manage the adult world but in my experience will be utterly unhappy. 

So, you must sit down with your husband and work out the rules you want for gaming before you ever sit down with the kids and bring in a technology policy into the family. Try not to blame him for bringing in the games. That might put him in a defensive position and anything you say may not be heard.

Remember too much difference is too much. Your children have never operated under boundaries before so when you are introducing them they must be reasonable and not life-changing. Because your children will resist them. Michel Foucault explains this very well ‘where there is power, there is resistance’. So make your children feel they are a part of the boundary that is being brought in. Therefore they will not view you as power. 

No child wants to game relentlessly. I carried out a huge piece of research for my book; ‘Parenting the Screenager’ visiting over 20 schools and interviewing many students about their gaming habits. None of those interviews revealed that kids want to game all the time. 

They did reveal that students are gaming all the time but do not know how to stop. That is where we must come in, we must protect our children from these games that are designed to pull them in and take our money. 

Your twins need you to intervene but in a way that is supportive and understanding. If you just pull the games off them you will cause an incredible amount of conflict in the house. It’s about slowly showing them how to follow boundaries so that they can regulate themselves and their gaming habit. 

Technology is here to stay, it’s not about getting rid of it but rather how to live together peacefully so that it is not consuming their young lives.