'The Traitors' episode six: Anyone speaking in third person deserves a roulette table shoved up their arse

"I survived and thrived in the shark tank." Calm down, Rainman. For all we know, you were serving drinks to little old ladies and sweeping out the casino coat rooms.

'Enter Siobhán McSweeney, the true star, in a headband with a giant playing card on it. You’ll always be my queen of hearts, Siobhan. I think you’re ace.' File picture

Breakfast at the castle in Traitors Ireland on RTÉ One has become less about the cornflakes and more about counting chairs.

This week, Wilkin and Ben are first in, analysing the numbers like two accountants after three espressos. “Recruitment, not murder,” they rightly deduce. Kelley, meanwhile, can’t wait to meet freshly-banished Eamon again after the show. “I hope he’s in the Garda uniform,” she sighs dreamily. Yeah, probably in Limerick, placing a ticket on Paudie’s car.

Faye nearly takes the door off its hinges making her entrance, while Vanessa slumps in next and she tells us she’s feeling “tired mentally and physically.” Same, girl. Same.

Christine is still on her Katelyn-is-definitely-a-traitor campaign. “I’m just waiting to see if she gets more friendly with me,” she whispers suspiciously, because Cork girls are taught from a young age to be double wide of anyone trying to be their friend.

Faye is practically floating on a cloud of smug after helping catch a traitor, while nearby Katelyn tells Ben and Kelley about a guy she was dating that lasted “about three weeks”.

“It wasn’t Eamon, was it?” Kelley deadpans. “HaHAaahA” garbles Katelyn a laugh as fake as Oyin’s wig. 

But Paudie isn’t laughing. Hoonoosiree. He’s like a silver fox-Terminator in pleather shoes and he is in full Katelyn-hunting mode, whispering into Wilkin’s ear like a grey Gollum.

Nick immediately spills his big news from last night: “They tried to recruit me to be a traitor.” Christine is outraged. “The sneaky bastards!” Nick is loving the attention, but Mark isn’t buying it: “He says that proves he’s 100% a faithful. But it doesn’t really.” 

Cut to a flashback of Nick turning down the traitor role because he “likes being honest” and “building relationships.” Dude, you’re an estate agent, relax the cacks.

Enter Siobhán, the true star, in a headband with a giant playing card on it. You’ll always be my queen of hearts, Siobhan. I think you’re ace.

She’s in a magnanimous mood. She asks them if they’re ready for their next mission.

“Go put on some lippy, get dolled up,” she purrs playfully. I think the director must have instructed the group to react as if they just won the lotto, or been told they’re through to Judge’s Houses, (one of the good ones, not Louis Walsh’s semi d in Dublin) because they all lose their shit. Vanessa and Oyin nearly need CPR, they’re so excited.

“Now you caught a traitor, all bets are off,” she says with a giant panto wink. What in the Casino Royale is happening?

Patrick jumps up like a little jack-in-the-box.

"Do you know what?" he shouts.

Everyone’s still screaming.

"Hey guys, DO YOU KNOW WHAT?" he says again, waiting for everyone's attention.

They all look at him.

The contestants dressed up in their glad rags. File picture

He mimes throwing dice, and smarms, “I’m all in!” To camera, he explains he was in the casino industry in Las Vegas for 20 years. "I survived and thrived in the shark tank," he says.

Calm down, Rainman. For all we know, you were serving drinks to little old ladies and sweeping out the coat rooms.

Glam-up time. Vanessa and Oyin are buzzing in the car, while Patrick throws a stinger from the front seat, “She never passed a mirror she didn’t like.” Vanessa falters, unsure if it’s shade or a compliment. It’s not her fault she’s beautiful, Patrick.

Then there’s Ben. Christ on a bike, what is Ben wearing? A waistcoat that doesn’t match anything on his body, like Bane from Batman got dressed in the dark.

Meanwhile, Katelyn tries to sell her “wedding celebrant” cover story to Christine, but tells us on camera: "I work as an organisational development consultant through research on human behaviour and psychology.” So that explains the pigtails, floaty dress, and sunflower earrings - a disguise?! Never has a profession been so maligned. How very dare you, Katelyn.

But it does make her about 200% scarier than if she were just marrying strangers in a hay field.

"I wouldn't really put her down as a wedding celebrant,” confides Christine. “But people are lying about their jobs, I mean, some people are just psychopaths,” she says, staring psychopathically down the camera.

So the gang lands at the “casino” mission, though instead of blackjack it’s: (1) build a house of cards, (2) do a jigsaw, and (3) find a card on the floor. They’ll make money for the pot, and whoever wins the most games, gets the shield.

Patrick, Faye and Owin are chosen randomly (yeah, right) to represent the group in these Herculean tasks of might and stamina. "So," says Patrick, importantly, "the casino guy is in the casino world".

Anyone who speaks about themselves in the third person deserves a roulette table shoved up their arse, if you ask Esther, the writer gal.

The group bet €500 that Casino Guy will build a two-story house of cards first. Pfft. I could do that when I was four. Granted, I spent far too much time in the pub with my grandads as a child, and yes, I had a few sups of Guinness when it was nap time, but still, these chumps are useless!

Katelyn tries to sell her 'wedding celebrant' cover story to Christine, but tells us on camera: 'I work as an organisational development consultant through research on human behaviour and psychology.' File picture 

Patrick is shaking like Shakin'Stephens on the Shakey Bridge on St Shakington's Day. His cards crumble much like his self-esteem must, and Oyin wins easily. She's got that shield in her sights. Faye takes the jigsaw round (a picture of the Traitors logo — thrilling stuff) and finally, in the card scramble, on their hands and knees, Oyin again obliterates the competition with talons of steel. She’s now the castle’s unofficial superhero, with the shield, she just can't fit it over her head with the wig on.

Who is making up these tasks?! A drunken toddler could do better. I know, I was one. 

A round of “Who’s the most X?” questions follows. Ben is voted “biggest asset,” Mark “funniest” , Vanessa admits she Googles herself quarterly, and Katelyn is crowned “best game player” which isn’t a good look. Only after Nick pushes the title off himself. “I’m just lucky,” he says. Back to the round table, and Andrew’s under the gun first, but holds his ground well, pointing out Patrick as the puppet master with Katelyn and Eamon as his actors. It’s a decent argument, but the group’s attention span is shorter than Patrick’s bow tie.

Votes fly. It’s neck and neck: Andrew vs Katelyn, with Niall, Ben, and Mark gunning for Andrew because by their reckoning, they KNOW Katelyn is a traitor so why not play on that. The only trouble is they didn’t communicate that with the group. 

But it’s Christine, who has been manifesting this moment since episode one, who slams the final nail. Katelyn’s out! Christine screams, “I WAS RIGHT!” and nearly makes a hole in the floor.

Katelyn weeps, saying she “cares about everyone.” and gives a great traitor farewell speech.

But it seems Niall, Ben, and Mark have overplayed their hands as they get angry with the rest of the group. But who put them in charge anyway?

Amy mutters it feels like a slap in the face. Ben and Nick sulk that they’re being punished for trying to play smart.

Siobhán, suddening channelling a deranged spooky camp character, announces the twist: our lone traitor Paudie gets to recruit. He smirks and instantly picks secret son Andrew who we see grinning at his summons, not yet realising it’s daddy who awaits in the conclave. Therapy bills incoming.

• The Traitors Ireland airs on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday at 9.30pm on RTÉ One and RTÉ Player.