Cleavage, self-control, double dipping: 25 things we learned from Seinfeld
Seinfeld: Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards); George Costanza (Jason Alexander); Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus); Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld);
Next week (May 14) marks the 25th anniversary since the “show about nothing” ended.
Seinfeld famously gave itself this moniker in a self-referential episode, the “nothing” purporting to mean there would be no overarching theme or ideas connecting episodes, or even the storylines within them.
The comedy series would be less about something, more about some people, four of them in the main, who were unequal parts reprehensible, relatable, selfish, cynical, silly, and neurotic.
Co-creator Larry David (who would go on to make an equally unique sitcom in Curb Your Enthusiasm) famously said he wanted to make a TV comedy in which there would be “no learning and no hugging”. The latter was notably evidenced in an episode named ‘The Race’ when an expected slow-motion embrace between the eponymous Jerry and his ex Elaine Benes ends up with him unceremoniously shoving her out of his way.
‘No learning’ applies to the main characters, who while bantering their way through the awkwardness of daily existence, always fail to develop in any way emotionally or morally. The show never tries to be about more than whatever is happening to them at any given moment: nobody grows, nothing changes and by the next episode everyone has moved on.
That’s not to say viewers could not learn anything from the show. It was as peppered with nuggets as much as it was salted with pretzels (which can make you thirsty).
Don’t double dip: Scooping some dip onto a cracker or crisp - like George Costanza is wont to do - taking a bite, and then placing that same snack back in the bowl for another dip? A big no-no. Even pre-covid this was a social faux pas. A 2008 experiment by a microbiologist showed sporadic double dipping at a real-life party would, on average, transfer 50 to 100 bacteria from person to person per bite, depending on the size of the bowls and the consistency of the dips (salsa being the biggest culprit).
“It’s like a sauna in here.” This is definitively the best thing you can say if you find yourself in a sauna, especially with a group of strangers. Copyright: Cosmo Kramer.
If things aren't working out for you, do exactly the opposite of what you would normally do. If you quit your job and then regret it, just turn up the next day. What’s the worst that could happen? Also, sleeping at the office will leave you feeling refreshed and ensure you are more efficient throughout the workday (unless you’re a security guard, in which case you shouldn’t sit and snooze). And if you look annoyed all the time during work hours people will believe you're busy.
Do not to hit golf balls into the ocean. You don’t have to be a marine biologist to understand the dangers this poses to aquatic life. Especially if the sea is angry that day.
Driving until you nearly run out of fuel, when the gauge has long been showing past empty, is insanely tense fun. Running out of petrol, not so much.
If you want to be an architect just tell people you are an architect. Even if, like ‘Art Vandelay’, you wanted to be something else when you were younger: “You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.”
Seven is an acceptable name for a child.
You can multitask in the shower, sometimes by having a pee, but you probably shouldn’t wash your veg in there (although you can warm up your clothes up in an oven).
Picking your nose in your car isn’t as private as you think.
According to Jerry: “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.”
The original title for the novel War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?”
Was the popular shirt-under-a-jumper fashion style dealt a near-fatal blow when guest star Janeane Garofalo pointed out the poor garment hangs in your wardrobe for weeks or months only to get meagre exposure by barely sticking out over your collar? That’s a waste of over 90 percent of the material. Unless it’s a puffy pirate shirt, in which case that’s the perfect place for it to be hidden, especially if you “don't want to be a pirate”.
The message you're sending out to the world by wearing a tracksuit pants? You're telling the world: “I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”
One of the great poultry posers was answered by George’s (and Ben Stiller’s) dad Frank Costanza: which takes precedence, the chicken or the hen? "You have the chicken, the rooster, and the hen. The chicken goes with the rooster... So who is having sex with the hen?”
Ask cold callers for their number and tell them you’ll call them back and they’ll hang up themselves.
Yes, women of the world, shrinkage is a thing. All it needs to prosper is moisture, low temperatures, and ignorance of its existence.
Don’t accept a gift of someone’s favourite pen. Even if it writes upside down.
It’s always worth knowing where the best toilets in the city you live in are. And if asked by a stall neighbour if you can pass them some sheets of toilet paper when they encounter an empty roll, never tell them you ”can’t spare a square”.
You can eat a Mars Bar with cutlery but remember all fruit (even aphrodisiac mangoes) is a gamble. And don’t eat too many poppy-seed muffins (or even muffin tops) if you need to pass a drug test.
“The jerk store called, they’re running out of you”, is a last-resort insult. If the context works opt for “Maybe a dingo ate your baby” instead.
When running a marathon, be careful what you consume for fuel and who you get it from. I once failed to heed this advice and ended up munching on the shards of a cream cracker (the only dip was in my performance) for far too many miles. But it was better than downing scalding hot tea in sight of the finishing line.
If you feel stressed, muttering "Serenity Now" to yourself should help keep your blood pressure down. It’s the guaranteed-to-work two-word anger management technique.
If you encounter a close talker, someone who gets uncomfortably right in your face, where you can feel, nevermind smell, their hot breath, it is essential you pass them on to someone with low self-esteem who doesn’t mind them infringing on individual proximity.
Self-control is important. Your body isn’t an amusement park. Become the ‘master of your domain’ and there may be ‘no soup for you’ but your IQ could shoot up.
To make a long story short, between the jigs and the reels, "yada yada yada” is the best way to get to the juicy bits of a story, rather than glossing over them.
