Dashoda’s Gavin MacDermott: 'You have no choice but to believe in yourself, regardless'

Gavin MacDermott, aka Dashoda

I’m originally from Malahide in Dublin and I lived there until 1998. I moved to Gorey with my mam and my sister when my parents split up. We moved in with my grandmother.

I started learning the piano when I was nine and playing the guitar and drums when I was about 11. In 1997, I went to Paris; my dad was working over there. I remember drinking sparkling water for the first time and being like ‘what the hell is this drink?’ That’s one of my earliest memories.

On a bad day, when I’m not very happy with myself, I would say I’m born to be the person I am; that the future is already written.

I’m obviously a very fortunate person to live in this part of the world and to be able to make music. When you see everything that’s going on, sometimes you wonder are you doing enough and have you made the most of your life.

You can create whatever life you want for yourself if you’re willing to compromise or let go of certain notions about things but also stay true to the things that make you feel good in life.

Believing in myself is the biggest challenge I have faced so far in my life. I have very low self-esteem and generally write myself off - I get called out on it by my girlfriend. I’m 31 years old now, and I realised it was a dangerous game I was playing with myself for a long time. Ultimately, you have no choice but to believe in yourself, regardless of what you’re doing.

When I was younger, I recorded two EPs. Neither of them saw the light of day because I just panicked and I didn’t feel confident enough. It’s all part of the journey.

I feel like my proudest achievement is going to be like releasing this EP. I always dream of working on this full-time and getting a really good run of it. I’m proud to finish it even though I when I look at it, I can see all its faults and weaknesses. I think that’s pretty normal.

Gavin MacDermott: "I’m a bit uncomfortable with getting people to ‘look at me’ to be honest"

The EP is all based around self-sabotage. The songs are quite layered for me, there’s a few things going on - angst, anxiety, melancholy and there are some more colourful and upbeat songs too. But the central theme is a bit darker and moodier. It’s a reflection of my personality.

I was ‘that guy’ in school that meshed with all the different gangs and groups of people. I could go anywhere on my own and make friends. I know I will do okay. That was probably my survival mechanism and my greatest skill.

The person I turn to most is my girlfriend Amy. I look at how she’s great at her job, at balancing things - and she’s just a very practical person. She’s the one who taught me how to enjoy life a bit more instead of constantly wishing I was some other version of successful.

The people I work with and surround myself with build me up, especially Mark O’Brien who was like a mentor to me. It was really great to work with people who are older and wiser who are able to say, ‘no, that’s the direction that you should go instead of this one’. They encouraged me not to stay in one lane or to be afraid of my vulnerability.

Being vulnerable means being uncomfortable, and I’ve tried to live a comfortable life but then I also want the art life and it’s kind of like - can you have both? I don’t know.

I would like to be remembered as a storyteller. If I could leave behind a few good stories or inspire someone in some way, that will be enough.

I have a lot of regrets and they’re all about things I didn’t do. If I could change something from my past, I would follow the path of music a bit sooner in life.

Once you let go of the expectations of what other people think, you realise you have created those in your own head. You need stillness in your life to kind of get to the truth of who you are. So much of life is just noise, you know, whether it’s technology or obligations or whatever.

In fairness to my parents, they didn’t have any expectations of me. I wasn’t put under any pressure to go off and get a job. I was able to figure things out myself and they supported me.

I think about climate change every day. It’s a bit grim. At some point, you’re thinking ‘what’s the point in anything if we’re just destroying it all anyway, you know?’

But if we didn’t do anything, have festivals or sports or things that bring us together, we wouldn’t be human.

I’m a bit uncomfortable with getting people to ‘look at me’ to be honest, but if I have a skill it’s having and maintaining a good group of friends and colleagues that I care about and respect and they seem to be like that with me as well.

What surprises me is that when you play music, you’re actually revealing a part of yourself to the world - even if it’s just you playing a few chords in the corner of a pub or whether it’s on a big stage somewhere.

Not making the most of life scares me - it’s all about spending time with your family and being conscious that someday we won’t all be here.

Around seven years ago, I got accepted to this programme to teach English in Japan. I bailed on it and I’ve always regretted it. If I’d taken a different fork in the road, maybe I would have worked on music in the background and pursued a career in the diplomatic service or in an NGO.

• Dashoda’s debut EP Never Enough is out now.