Conversations With Friends review: Not good when even the sex scenes are yawn-inducing
Alison Oliver and Joe Alwyn in episode four of Conversations With Friends.
It might seem shallow and slightly pervy to admit this, but I was hoping for some Normal People-type raucous raunch between Frances and Nick.
Come, reminisce with me for a moment. Remember Marianne and Connell? One episode used a third of its time to depict a wonderous sex scene. It lasted nine minutes and 24 seconds, with the two lovers expressing so much without saying a word. The sexy show-offs.
With Frances and Nick, all that monosyllabic mumbling, the awkward silences, the skittering glances, was surely foreplay? All leading up to explosive ecstasy, passion that transcends small talk, where Nick's bottom steals the scene and is nominated for a Bafta in the Best Newcomer category. We might even spy an item of jewellery of sorts when he finally disrobes? A belly ring, or a fetching anklet... something to warrant its own Twitter account?
Alas, I had to brush off my Things That Have Disappointed Me list, and add CWF first sex scene to the list. I put it between my first time sleeping in a onesie and the Secret Santa nail fungal ointment debacle of 2006.
I've seen more sexual chemistry between my dog and cat - and the dog has no testicles and the cat has three legs. Although it would be against the laws of nature and science, there is an occasional 'will they, won't they' vibe about them. Sadly, this is more intriguing than Frances and Nick's carry-on - that's how boring it is.
The sex scenes feel choreographed and flat. Empty, like my dog's ballsack. The characters feel like they're going through the motions, following the intimacy coach's direction, there's no spark, no connection or propulsion of the relationship. Just a carefully placed arm, a random nipple, and a bony buttock artfully contorted on the bed, stealing screen time.
In Croatia, after their second soulless coupling, Frances says: "You don’t always seem that enthusiastic.” Nick assures her it’s not her fault. “It’s me, I’m just awkward.” If there's a Bafta for 'Most Obvious Statement', himself and his arse will be there with bells on.
And the noises! The slurping and the deep breathing and the suction release when their lips part. Gah! If I didn't have misophonia before this, I do now. I dread to think what the next episodes have in store. Will Bobbi scrape her fingernails down a chalkboard in their next poetry performance? Will Nick get a role where rubbing a balloon against his co-star is part of the plot? At least there'd be something happening.
So what else is going on? Not a whole lot. We find out it's Frances's first time with a man, and that Bobbi is her entire romantic history. We see her getting in a strop when Nick goes off to Scotland and doesn't keep in touch.
We witness Frances going about the mundanities of life, standing in a queue for her groceries, and going to work to have a bit of craic with her workmates. Only joking. She answers in monosyllables, doesn't engage with her colleagues, just sits there avoiding eye contact. She would have the Dry Shite mug in the canteen if they assigned drinking utensils in the form of your main trait.
Croatia looks stunning, and the familiar Rooney themes of class and money and an exciting trip abroad are all ticked off. Ultimately, Frances's phone is the most interesting character at this point. We get a sense of a proper conversation and a little bit of an insight into the characters, more than we do from the actual people.
Last week, Nick stays at home to mind the dog when Melissa goes to London. Now they're both gallivanting in Croatia for the summer. Who's minding the mutt?
Bobbi basically bullying Frances most of these two episodes, then accusing her of homophobia when Frances asks if she's jealous of her crush on Nick. Grrrr.
