Sexy Beasts review: New Netflix dating show is so sexy it hurts
The prosthetics are incredible but the contestants are still stone-cold foxes
Give the people want they want, warned The Kinks, and they’ll get what they deserve.
Well, the people, it seems, can’t get enough of dating shows. Chuck Barris introduced the original dating show, The Dating Game, back in 1965. Sure, our Cilla added a bit of innuendo, and we evolved to include villas and nudies in coloured boxes, but from Chuck’s single man behind a screen asking questions to three potential mates, dating shows remain fundamentally the same.
Sexy Beasts sticks to the formula, but - fun twist! - they’ve removed the superficial element by taking looks out of the equation using fantastical prosthetics to transform the daters - “giving them a chance to find love purely based on personality!” Me hole.
We meet model Emma, who’s transformed into a sexy demon, choosing between a marsupial, a monkey and a rock. I actually got a pain in my head from eye-rolling and we were only two minutes in. She’s a MODEL. She gets paid to be gorgeous. Yes, she has what appears to be a pincher on her chin but she’s clad in a skin-tight black number and looks hot as the hell she’s supposed to come from.
Bennett the Baboon introduces himself with this gem, “I am weak for big boobs. It’s something in my nature I can’t control it.” The filthy animal.
Archie the Statue is similarly erudite. What does he look for in a partner? “Big ass. L L Cool J big old butt.” Sigh.
Adam the Mouse reveals he usually goes for looks over personality. So far, so superficial.
They go speed dating to a bar in London. “Do you know what banter is?” asks Danger Mouse. “It’s bouncing off each other and laughing.” He should have just said, it’s the opposite of what we’re doing now, love.
There’s lots of slow-mo posing, winking, dancing, doing this dusting off their shoulders move, which I do not care for, while narrator Rob Delaney takes the piss with puns and wry observations.
Then off they go to Sexy Beast manor where Emma kicks one poor crathur to the kerb, after a pause so pregnant, the statue man grew moss. Then the loser rocks out with his real face and Emma has to do the whole “Ooh, damn, he’s so hot, have I made a huge mistake? That monkey man better come with a good banana” bit. She goes on a longer date with the other pair, chooses her true love and French kisses him in the tunnel of love, sans mask, for our amusement.
The reason this show has me shaking my fist at the telly ala Grandpa Simpson is they’re all ridiculously good-looking. I’m talking Zoolander level. They’re stone-cold foxes - even the Squeaky Blinder mouse. Couldn’t they have put a norm into the mix, just as a control? Someone who’s missed a tuft on their shin when they were shaving and maybe has to wear special underwear to get into their reveal outfit? A wonky eye wouldn't go astray. Or would it?
On the upside, the prosthetics are incredible, Rob Delaney valiantly yuks it up in the voice-over, but the show's premise ultimately lets it down. Get back to me when the daters are in sumo suits with milk pails over their heads and can only communicate in Klingon while knitting a dreamscape with their mothers-in-law on a raft in shark-infested waters. Now that’s what the people deserve.
- Sexy Beasts is available today at www.netflix.com/sexybeasts
