Ask Audrey: Terrible tragedy in our family - my sister is engaged to a guy from Bishopstown

Hello old stock. There has been a terrible tragedy in our family — my sister is after getting engaged to a guy from Bishopstown.

We had to troop over there for the engagement party, they put your man’s father sitting next to me, Muiris. A very shy man, or maybe he was just embarrassed at the size of his postage-stamp house.

I got langers drunk to cope with the awkwardness, so when Muiris asked if I support the Rockies, I replied I’m more likely to support the Palestine Liberation Organisation, Blackrock GAA club is for nurses and guards who scrape together enough money to live on the Skehard Road, nothing to do with the real Blackrock. Muiris is very upset, and my sister would like me to give him a gift to heal the rift. What would you recommend? — Reggie, Blackrock Road.

My Posh Cousin knows a lot about gifts, she tends to get a huge one every time she finds her Ken’s latest affair phone. (You should see her rooting around the house like a ferret.) I said to her, what would someone in Bishopstown like? She said, to move further away from Wilton. #DraggingDownHousePrices

Now listen up you filthy spud-munchers. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, where we stood around in a circle spanking the chap in front of us for being a naughty boots because let’s face it, his family fortune came from slavery.

All that spanking – it was just like being at school! Anyway, Bunty Horseface-Wiffington, our codename for Boris, told us he got a call from some tea-shock called Mee-Hall, which is your gibberish for Michael apparently. This Mee-Hall told Bunty we English aren’t welcome in your little green patch for the foreseeable future.

The bloody ingratitude of it. What in the name of Cromwell have we English done to you Micks?

— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London and rather a lot of Leicester, not that I’d ever go there.

My cousin is a travel agent, I wouldn’t trust his photos, they’ve all been doctored to include a view of the sea. I said, what’s your personal view on letting British visitors into Ireland. He said, I’m not worried about catching something off a Brit. I said, not even after your stag in

Magaluf? He said, stop, I still have a slight itch.

Hi girl. I’m the leading social media influencer in south Munster measured by the number of times a day that a black Opel Astra stops outside my house and this guy just sits there, staring in. #Stalker #SignThatIHaveMadeItBIG.

Anyway, I know the chief medical officer told us to stay at home, but I couldn’t be bothered listening to him as it doesn’t suit me, ok? Myself and #OtherHalf are booked for Mallorca this weekend, we’ll be on that plane even if we have to fly it ourselves.

My only worry is I can’t post on Instagram while I’m over there, in case my nervous-ninny audience unfollow me for going on a well-earned holiday. So, how can I make downtown Palma look like Cork for my videos?

— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.

My nephew is an expert at making cities look different on videos. (He made a promo for Waterford that would nearly make you want to go there.) I said, how would you make Mallorca look like Ireland. He said, double the prices and block out the sun. #AnyoneForStaycation?

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group, Hot Douglas Joggers Who Get Turned On By Norries in White Vans Checking Us Out.

Cliona_300EuroAsics said her daily 10k took her through town yesterday and people were eating out on the pedestrianised streets.

Aoife_IncredibleGlutes asked the question — what is THE street to be seen on for all fresco dining if you’re net worth is over 10 million quid?

— Jenni, Douglas, not the bit down by Nemo, obvs.

I asked City Hall, what’s the best street for the super elite in Cork who fancy some al fresco dining. The woman said, the South Link. I said, but they’ll be run over by a bus! She said, I know. #ClassWarfare.