Learner dad: We're on our fourth box of roses as I write, with my belly almost obscuring the keyboard

YOU know the way the EU is planning to stop the clocks going back and forward for daylight savings time in 2021? They need to take a look at moving Christmas as well. December 25 is way too late, at least in Ireland. They need to move it back to December 12, if my kids are anything to go by.

The clue is in their school lunches. They stopped eating them last week, all out hunger-strike, so they are like actual ballistic missiles by the time they get in from school. They get a round of toast in that situation, or it would be tears all the way to dinner, but then they don’t want to eat dinner because of the round of toast and we’re all losing the will to live.

Our five-year-old has really had it. He has developed this little morning ritual for the last fortnight, where he sleep-walks to the breakfast table and asks if it’s the weekend yet. I won’t repeat what he says when it isn’t.

The problem is it’s pitch dark until 8.30 at this time of the year. This is going to move to 9.30 when they stop putting the hour back, just so you know. I think adults get used to a few things as we get older — disappointment, that weird sound our knee makes when we move, and muddling through. Kids have none of this — they are still totally driven by that primal bit in their brains that says go to sleep and wake up in mid-March.

The only thing that keeps them awake is the prospect of some presents from a guy with a beard. And no, I’m not talking about me.

There are a few solutions here. One involves Elon Musk, the controversial entrepreneur who is behind a company called Neuralink. He wants to save the human race by wiring a micro-chip into your brain that supplements biological intelligence and basically turns us all into walking super-computers. It seems like a terrible idea to me — but I’d be amazed if it didn’t happen.

While the people installing the chips are in there, I’m sure they could bypass that primal part of the brain that tells us to take to the bed until early March. We don’t need it any more — the winter food-shortages and chances of been eaten by a wolf are long gone, unless you live in post-Brexit Britain. Anyway, that’s for the future. I don’t want my kids to be early adopters and install Version 1.0 into their skull — they’re unpredictable enough as it is.

Which brings us back to my suggestion at the top of the page. The seven-week run-up to Christmas from Halloween is too long. It was different back in the day, when scarcity was the default and you wouldn’t dare crack open the sweets before Christmas Day, and even then it was one box of Lemons. Now you pretty much have to climb over twin towers of Celebrations and Roses from mid-November just to get into the supermarket. We’re on our fourth box of Roses as I write, with my belly almost obscuring the keyboard. This can’t go on.

So let’s get move Christmas back to December 12. This shouldn’t be difficult politically. I can’t see the teachers complaining. The church might have a problem with it, particularly because they don’t realise the grumpy-kid challenges we face in the dog days of December — but I’m sure they could be won around if we offer them a few bob to fix the roof on the church. The kids? Well, it’s Christmas coming early, it kinds of sells itself. The real beauty is we could stagger the holidays. Take a few days off over Christmas. Back to work say December 15, two weeks of telling everyone about ‘the Christmas’ and then back out for another week to ring in the New Year. What a result.

OK, it will still be dark in the mornings for another month or so — but hopefully by 2022 Elon Musk will have given us all a new brain.