Sex advice with Suzi Godson: We’re getting divorced — but we’re still having sex

My wife and I are in our 40s and we are getting divorced, but we’re still having sex. I find it really confusing. Does it mean we should get back together?

Divorce is a life-changing decision that sets in motion a chain of events that no one can fully control. Feeling out of control is always scary, but it’s even more daunting in the context of divorce because the social, emotional and financial consequences are so difficult to predict.

Pitched as a battle that has winners and losers, victims and villains, divorce is a duel where everyone can end up getting hurt. In the midst of such a frightening, frustrating and exhausting experience, it is human nature to seek solace, although it is unusual to choose to have sex with someone you are in the middle of divorcing.

Having said that, sex with someone who knows you intimately and feels just as anxious, raw and vulnerable as you do is a heady mixture.

Fear increases arousal because your brain can’t differentiate between the kind of anxiety you feel before being attacked by a bear and the anxiety that precedes sex with someone you are fighting through the divorce courts. This makes for a more intense sexual experience. And because the decision to divorce requires couples to talk openly and honestly about all the things they bottled up, people can find that they are able to communicate better.

The fact that you have been able to put the divorce to one side, however temporarily, suggests that one or both of you is uncertain about the decision.

If, however, one of you believes the sex you are having is a path to reconciliation, while the other is simply exploiting a willing partner, the situation will probably end in tears. Continually reconnecting with someone you are actively trying to separate from means you can’t move forward.

For many, the prospect of being alone is so terrifying that they would rather remain in a compromised relationship. The fact that more women file for divorce suggests that men are more willing to stay in dysfunctional marriages.

Unless you’re both confident that you can commit to resolving the problems that led to the break-up, your recent sexual encounters might be a displacement activity. Having said that, if you think there’s any chance of working things out, it would make sense to put the divorce on ice and talk to a relationship counsellor.

Rescuing a relationship that you both believed to be over might seem like a huge challenge, but sometimes, making the decision to divorce liberates couples from the stuff that has been coming between them, making the repair process easier.

If more couples sought help sooner, more marriages might be saved. Indeed, a US report from 2002 found that 86% of couples who had contemplated divorce but stayed together described

themselves as much happier five years later.

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