Ask Audrey: The one thing that might impress a Cork woman is you not being septic even though you’re from Dublin

Sorting out Cork people for years...

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling with a pack of permanently offended snowflakes inside in Bantry and didn’t she come the other night with a big announcement. Breaking the habit of a lifetime, I will not be allowed to sing Last Christmas by Wham at the Credit Union Dinner Dance, as it is offensive to organ donors. (The snowflakes don’t like the way your one got a heart, and then gave it away, the very next day.) What else could I sing?

– Dan Paddy Andy, Durrus.

I checked with my niece, she’s 23 and angry. I said is there any song that’s safe to sing at Christmas time? She said no. I said what about, Do They Know It’s Christmas? She said absolutely not. I said who does not offend? She said, the Norries. I said you mean, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you. She said exactly.

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the people who run Britain, which also happened to be a class reunion for my year in Eton. Quelle surprise, you might say, if you spoke French, which you don’t, because you’re a pack of filthy spud-munchers. (Less of the anger, I thought you Irish were supposed to have a sense of humour.) I’m writing to you now in the spirit of friendship, with an offer that I’d like to pass on to your chap Coveney – drop this bloody backstop and we’ll give you half of Wales. (They’ll be no trouble, the Welsh tend not to notice things.) Deal?

– Barron Harry D’Shit, Surrey, Hampshire and rather a lot of Scotland. Please help, we’re desperate.

Ye sure are. My nephew became a political analyst because he was never going to get a girlfriend anyway. I said, is there anything less reliable than a promise from the British government? He said not really, unless you count Boris Johnson’s marriage vows. #Gotcha

Tears of rage in Chez Monica. I’ve been 24/7 preparing for Tamsin’s Christmas play at school (fee-paying), shouting at the au pair to make her a costume and trying to make sure everything about me screams ‘millionaire living in Lindville’ on the day. Honestly, there’s blood on the streets of Ballintemple with people trying to get a make-up appointment in Brown Thomas. But there’s still no need for my best friend to block-book my hairdresser that morning, so I’ll end up looking like someone who’s only from Ballinlough. Can you think of a suitable revenge up to and including putting out a rumour she has relations who summer in Garryvoe?

– Monica, Lindville, I’d hate for my daughter to see me crying.

I didn’t know you were still capable of producing tears. #Botox. I told my Posh Cousin about your friend, and said , that’s unbelievable, where did she get her neck? She said, Harley Street for 25 grand, you can’t get a seat on Cork-Heathrow in the run up to Christmas. I said, what have Blackrock people got against flying to Luton? She said everything.

Achtung Munster Monkeys, what is the actual story with getting the leg-over in Cork at Christmas time. We’ve had an outlandishly good year at our financial services outfit here in Dublin, getting loans for skangers that they’re never going to pay back. (It’s the second Celtic Tiger, we call it Boom-Boom in the office because the joke is totally on poor people, all over again.) Anyway the man I call boss (and Dad) has given our team 40 grand to blow for Christmas, so we’re heading to Cork because you bogbrickers are so cheap. What kind of thing impresses Cork birds?

– Gordon, Ballsbridge, I’m here for one night only

Thankfully. There is no such thing as ‘a Cork bird’. The only thing a Blackrock and Ballyphehane woman have in common is they’d both hate to live in Ovens. (It’s a refugee camp for people from Tralee.) The one thing that might impress a Cork woman is you not being septic even though you’re from Dublin 4. #Doubtful

C’mere, what’s the story with smelling like a langer? The old doll has called a halt to the old ‘sexual favour of my choosing’ Christmas present this year, because we got married this August, and you know the way that do be the end of all the filthy stuff. So, she wants to bring me into Brown Thomas (!) this weekend to pick out grooming products, which will she will then give me on Christmas morning, instead of a card saying “I do promise to do anything you want once. (Make sure to hide this from your Mam.)” So, what do be the style now for men in terms of smell

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, will people be looking at me in Brown Thomas?

From a distance. #Binoculars. My neighbour became a social media influencer when his wife left him and he ended up with loads of space in the house for free moisturiser samples. I said, what are you recommending to your followers this Christmas? He said, keeping a closer eye on your wife’s private messages. (He’s taking the breakup very badly.)