Huawei Mate 20 Pro: What would a real mate do?

Leaving the tech speak to the geeks, Esther N McCarthy says the Huawei Mate 20 Pro has some pretty nifty features, not least its cool camera.

Imagine being able to use your phone to suss out where your friend got that covetable pair of jeans that she says she can’t remember buying? As if! How could anyone over 40 forget where they bought something?

She doesn’t want you to know because A) they’re embarrassingly cheap or B) hideously expensive.

Either way she obviously doesn’t want you both out wearing them at the same time. But the only place you see her these days is at the school gate so what’s her problem?

Now imagine being able to use that same phone to find out how many calories are in your lunch so you have some idea of whether you’d ever fit into the fantasy jeans.

Imagine no longer, dear reader. Because that day has come, thanks to the latest Huawei Mate 20 Pro.

We’ll show her, that’s a real mate. But only if it’s option A) and the jeans aren’t the ones that cost more than a two-week holiday somewhere nice just because they hike your ass up a millimetre.

Anyway, this is technically a technology piece but the thing about sending a features writer to the European megalaunch of a super duper new phone, over say, someone techie (cough, qualified) is that you’re just not going to get excited paragraphs about the Kirin 980 Octacore chipset.

Instead, my hot takes from my trip to London, jammed into the ExCel event centre in Royal Victoria Dock with 3,000 journalists from all over the world to see the new Huawei series launched are thus: it’s got a really cool camera, the battery and security are tip top, you can calorie count your food with a snap and it’ll identify a piece of clothing or furniture or the cup you’re drinking your coffee out of and connect you to where to buy it.

Now, it won’t stop me eating dessert but it might help me enjoy it more if I’m sure it’s the good full fat cream in there.

And that is pretty exciting, even to a technology-challenged dolt like me.

It’s my first time attending one of these events and it is fascinating. I arrive at the ExCel centre and promptly lose all of the other Irish journalists.

But hey, I’m hip, I’m cool, I can figure this out. I sashay to somewhere around the middle of the huge room, with a gigantic screen running along the stage and enormous circular neon lights overhead.

I nudge the guy next to me and say, “What do you think the ram in this baby is going be like?”

He rightly ignores me, then a voice booms out: “Ladies and gentlemen, the press conference will begin in one minute. Please take your seats.”

Ooh, that’s my cue to take out my notebook and pen.

Then I realise I’m the only one holding something non-electronic. There are devices and screens and cameras and I’m pretty sure I saw a microphone on a hoverboard.

I might as well have been wrapping my carrier pigeon in my smoke-signalling blankie.

Then the voice introduces Christopher, a Danish popstar, who’s partnered with the Chinese firm and who, one suspects, is used to more screaming and singing along than he got from us.

In fact, he seems about as bewildered as I am. He lip syncs two songs while a video of him playing with his hair and the new phone goes on a loop behind him.

The lyrics that I catch go a little something like, “I’m addicted to my phone/ Wondering why I can’t sleep/Can you see the irony?/Nobody’s perfect under the surface/ everyone’s trying to be/Boy can you see the irony.”

I fear irony may not be Christopher’s strong suit.

But now, the main event. Richard Yu, is on the stage.

Here he is, in a sharp blue suit and crisp white shirt, the CEO of Huawei, the second biggest manufacturer of smartphones on the planet, second only to Samsung, outselling Apple.

Which is even more impressive when you consider those figures are without them selling in the US market. And hand on heart, I couldn’t pronounce Huawei this morning, never mind know they’re the head honchos in phone land.

Richard is obviously very excited about The Mate and he has a big proud head up on him.

The way he thrusts it up for our inspection, it should have been called The Simba. His English isn’t the easiest to understand, and I know coming from a Cork wan that’s a bit rich but I get the gist.

This is an exact transcription of this part of Richard’s speech from my notes.

Latest technology... industry first 6.1 inch 4000m battery... improve productivity… AI smartphone chipset… perfected flowing design... 6.53 inch full colour RGB W display... high brightness, lower power consumption... high colour saturation higher screen to body ratio… ultra narrow bezel…

There’s a quiet awe in the room as he goes though his demo, then he starts talking about the in-screen fingerprint and gets a round of applause. He nods. Yes, Richard assures us, we’re right to be excited.

“The world’s first nano memory card...hyperoptic pattern..” This gets a whooo! from the messers in the back.

He’s building the momentum now.

“Easy to grip... glassless fingerprints,” coos Richard.

Emerald green, midnight blue, classic black, twilight. PINK GOLD. The applause gets faster and louder.

Richard lowers his voice a bit, he’s playing us like a fiddle.

“We give you more choice… born fast, stay fast... ultra long lasting battery… supercharge, lightening speed charging..” Bring us home, Mr Yu.

“FASTER THAN OTHER PHONES! 160% FASTER THAN IPHONE X WIRELESS CHARGING! FASTER REVERSE CHARGING!”

And the crowd. Goes. Wild.

A cafe in London taken using night mode after thelaunch of Huawei Mate 20 Pro camera.

Then he shows us some of the Hollywood effects, talks about the premium selfie and demonstrates some 3d live object modelling where he scans a panda teddy, using skeletal mapping, then scans a section of the stage in front of him, projects the panda on to it and makes it do kung fu moves.

My brain hurts.

So I put my notebook away and head into the experience area, where there are Mate 20 Pros set up at various stands.

I go over to one and start nodding with a practiced frown on my face, like I’m really interested, like when the three-year-old tells me a dinosaur story with a patchy plot and rubbish character development.

It’s a look I’ve pretty much perfected, but just as I’m about to reach out and touch a handset to see what all the fuss is about, this babyfaced security guy leans in and says: “Please step away from the device, you’re not allowed touch that unless you have a yellow badge.”

If he was any younger, I’d be seriously considering ringing his mother with reminders about the benefits of folic acid.

“JESUS CHRIST I’m SO sorry!” I bellow, startling us both.

My imposter syndrome flares up big time. I back away but am now terrified to touch anything.

There’s a 3D area with that panda teddy from the talk and they’re gesturing me over but I’m not falling for that one. I don’t have a yellow badge.

Scott Read, the three-year-old teller of dinosaur stories, used as a guinea pig to try out the Huawei Mate 20 Pro camera functionality. This is taken in Fitzgerald Park, Cork, using portrait mode.

I put on my nonchalant face. I almost whistle. I’m Dick van Dyke on Mary Poppins, I am.

I take out my phone to look busy, afraid to look up in case an influencer in a slouchy sweater and leopard skin socks points and laughs at my model that’s SO last decade.

I mean, it doesn’t reverse charge or recognise that my blood sugar is low and order me a muffin using my geolocation and play a soothing song chosen from a playlist determined by how much Cortisol hormone drips onto the self-cleaning screen.

Damn, they should have sent a techie.

The Huawei Mate 20 Pro is available at Vodafone Ireland, Three Ireland, Carphone Warehouse Ireland and Harvey Norman for €899. https://www.consumer.huawei.com/ie/

Senan will teach you hua wei to pronounce it

It turns out it’s not just me who couldn’t pronounce the name properly.

The mangled pronunciation of Huawei (It’s “wah-way”, by the way) prompted the company to conduct some research into Ireland’s most commonly mispronounced words.

They found the Caoimhes, Muireanns, Tadghs and Blaithnaids were all beaten by Sadhbh (Sai-v) for the top spot of most regularly mispronounced names in Ireland, with 25%

of respondents picking the name.

More than 30% chose Huawei as the most difficult to pronounce brand name in Ireland, so they had Senan Byrne create a mini mock horror movie teaching us how it should be

pronounced.