Sex advice with Suzi Godson: My girlfriend gets red-faced when sex is mentioned

My girlfriend gets really embarrassed talking about sex. It means that if I ask her to do something a certain way, she gets offended and doesn’t want to have sex at all. What can I do?

One of the reasons so many couples struggle with sexual communication is because sex is understood to be a natural instinct and, therefore, we are expected to know how to do it. As children we get coaxed, coached and rewarded for learning to master basic human functions such as walking, talking and going to the toilet, yet when it comes to sex we have to figure it out by ourselves.

The absence of straightforward sex education at home or at school is compounded by the fact that women, historically, have never been encouraged to express sexual desire.

This should have changed as they achieved equal rights in other areas of life, but it hasn’t. And the twin sex fictions of porn and Hollywood have done serious harm. The gap between actual experience and what women see on the big and small screens leaves many in a perpetual state of self-doubt.

Men are equally hampered by unhelpful myths about masculinity and cultural ideals around sexual potency. Your gung-ho approach to ‘direction’, for example, rings a few gender bells.

You describe your girlfriend as “feeling embarrassed, really offended and not wanting to have sex at all” after you ask her to do a certain thing in a certain way.

Besides wishing I knew quite what it was that you were asking her to do, I can only hazard a guess at how bluntly the demand must have been made to elicit a response such as that. When attempting to direct a partner who is not very confident during sex, non-verbal instructions are often a more sensitive, but equally effective form of communication.

You are right that it is important to talk about sex. A wealth of research relates relationship and sexual satisfaction to the ease with which couples can talk about sex. However, there is a right and a wrong way to broach this tricky subject. You should never, for example, have such a conversation when you are actually having sex. Nor should you try to force your partner into a conversation when she is not in the right frame of mind to engage in an intimate discussion. Pick a neutral space and a private time, and frame the conversation as a way of feeling closer to each other. Don’t criticise, don’t complain and don’t blame. The minute the conversation moves from ‘I’ statements to ‘you’ accusations, it is no longer a conversation, it is a character assassination.

It’s important that you approach the conversation from a position of empathy and vulnerability. And if you expect your partner to open up to you, you need to be willing to access and share your feelings too. You may find this as challenging as she does, but it is the only way to get to know each other’s idiosyncrasies.

You may find the process easier if you ask each other questions about your sexual histories, rather than focusing on what might be amiss at the moment. How did you learn about sex and do you feel that you know what you are doing with, and for, your partner? Do you understand how sex feels for your partner? Have you felt uncertain about the way that your body behaves, or responds, during sex?

Treat any personal revelations with the utmost sensitivity. You have a limited opportunity to gain your partner’s confidence; she will clam up the minute she feels you are judging her.

In contrast, if you instead share your own insecurities, while continually reassuring her that you are there for her, you will learn that honesty, trust and openness are the paths to true intimacy and a wonderful sex life.

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