Sex advice with Suzi Godson: My younger lover is disappointing in bed

Q: I’m in my 40s, and I’ve started dating a man in his 20s. We’re having a wonderful time — but sadly not in bed. When we start to have sex there are no problems at all, but he quickly loses his erection during intercourse. He drinks quite a lot and occasionally smokes cannabis. I wonder if these have an effect in the bedroom

A: People who smoke cigarettes are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction because smoking damages the vessels that supply blood to the penis. Smoking cannabis only makes it worse.

Research by Antonio Aversa in the department of experimental medicine at Sapienza University in Rome found that regular cannabis use causes changes to the cells lining the penis, which increases the risk of erectile dysfunction. The men in his study were all under 30 years of age and they were not necessarily heavy users. Aversa and his team found that low levels of the active ingredient THC are released from fatty tissue for several days after smoking, so regular consumption of small quantities can have a significant impact over time. Regular use also reduced testosterone levels and affected the quantity and the motility of ejaculated sperm.

The evidence on the relationship between drinking alcohol and erectile dysfunction is a little less straightforward. People no longer trust alcohol guidelines because experts keep moving the goalposts. In 2016, Sally Davies, the British chief medical officer, announced that “there is no safe level of drinking”. Perhaps governments would have more success with reducing alcohol consumption if advice was framed in terms of the impact alcohol has on male sexual function. A couple of drinks decreases inhibition and makes a man feel more relaxed and sexually confident, but any more than that has a deleterious effect on erectile function and can cause what is sometimes known as “brewer’s droop”.

In a study by psychiatrist Bijil Simon Arackal at the National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences in Bangalore, 72% of men dependent on alcohol experienced one or more problems with sexual functions, such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and loss of desire. Other research has shown that chronic alcohol use causes irreversible nerve damage in the penis.

Without wishing to be a party pooper, your boyfriend probably does need to knock the booze and the weed on the head for a while.

Erectile dysfunction can be a massive blow to a young man’s sense of self-worth and the more your boyfriend worries about not being able to perform, the more likely it is that his erection will fail

It is the same for women who worry about achieving orgasm; the more they focus on it, the less likely it is to happen.

It’s likely that the first few times this happened, it was due to his smoking or drinking too much. These failures probably made him anxious and triggered the subsequent failures. However, as he is so young it is important for him to get checked out by a doctor. Erectile dysfunction in men under the age of 30 can be a sign of underlying health issues such as heart disease or diabetes, and the sooner these are picked up, the better. There are things you can do to help: Support him, be positive, and don’t give up.

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