Ask Audrey: Cillian Murphy is a bit of a langer for moving back to Dublin instead of Cork

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

I’m delighted to see the M28 is going ahead down towards Ringaskiddy. I did hear some people protesting it would tear communities in two and that got me thinking. Is there any way they could re-route it to cut off Grange from the rest of Douglas? I think I speak for everyone on the Douglas Road when I say that Grange is basically Ballyphehane up a hill. (No offence.) Don’t worry about the expense — again I think I speak for everyone else on the Douglas Road when I say we’re loaded, minted now like, and would happily pay for it ourselves. Who do I contact in City Hall to make this happen?

— Monica, Douglas Road.

If I were you I’d contact someone in CUH and tell them send out an ambulance. I think that’s the craziest idea I ever heard. Why don’t you just build a wall like we’re planning to put up between Ballinlough and Skehard Road? (We’re up to 450k on GoFundMe!)

Top o’ the saints of Old Ireland to yourself and begorrah. Isn’t only the way that myself and my lovely wife are arriving into the grand old harbour of Cobh tomorra, on the latest leg of our honeymoon? Even though tis the way we’re hipster lawyers from Brooklyn, we’ve been talking with the brogue of old Ireland on our tongues for a few days to prepare ourselves for the mighty crack we’ll have visiting my ancestral home in the town of Ardmore. Any chance of some advice in the form of an auld limerick at all? 

— Conor, New York.

Conor went down to Ardmore, oh Christ he was an awful bore, saw kids with tattoos, drinking way too much booze and said begorrah, I can’t take any more. (Let’s just say Country Waterford isn’t for everyone.)

This woman called to my door last night and said she’s my long-lost sister. I brought her into the house and we cried non-stop for 20 minutes. I was crying because she’s clearly only from Carrigaline and this could get me kicked out of the Real Housewives of Posh Crosshaven. Don’t ask me why she was crying, maybe she thought I’d be richer. (We’re just back from a month in Italy, so we’re not exactly short of the spons.) Which brings me to my question. Should I give her 20 grand and say let’s go back to being strangers? — Clodagh, Crosshaven, our house is detached and old.

Like yourself? I asked my Posh Cousin about this. She said the going rate to pay off a lower order relation these days is actually 30 grand. I said how come you’re so well up on this? She said, well let’s just say we won’t be hearing any more from Bishopstown Billy. I said Bishopstown is fairly posh. She said I suppose it is if you’re only from Ballinlough. #Bitch.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? We have a very nice couple staying with us here in the B&B from Northern Ireland. I have two rules for people from that part of the world: 1: Never discuss politics. 2: Nod away and say “tis true for ya”, even when you haven’t a feckin’ clue what they are saying. Anyway, at breakfast this morning your man announced he is a proud member of the Orange Order and would it be OK if himself and the missus had a small parade on the road outside the house, she’ll be on the flute. Will I allow it?

— Dan Paddy Andy, Schull, what would Michael Collins do?

He’d probably try and get off with your one on the flute. (An awful man for the women apparently.) I asked my mother whether we should be nice to people from the north. She said absolutely, if they are from Sunday’s Well or Montenotte, but the rest of that lot up there are just looking for ways to steal your car. (She’s actually enlightened for someone from Monkstown.)

C’mere, what’s the story with Cillian Murphy? I was listening to some podcasts by that bloke Blindboy who wears a shopping bag on his head. He’s fairly clever for a fella from Limerick. Anyway, Blindboy was interviewing your man Cillian Murphy, who said he is from Blackrock. I was amazed to hear that, because he’s not nobby or nathin’, like. Is it actually possible for someone from Blackrock to be so sound?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, don’t get me wrong, I still think Cillian is a bit of a langer for moving back from London to Dublin, instead of Cork.

We all do, we’re just not saying it in public because it will make us look like a crowd of eejits — fair play to you for putting yourself out there. I checked there on the internet and it says that Cillian Murphy was

actually from Douglas. Imagine, a Douglas guy going around telling everyone he’s from Blackrock. It’s the most southside thing I’ve heard since my aunt sued her 12-year-old for failing the entrance exam to

Pres. She would have won too except the judge went to Christians. #Biased.