Building bonds: The family that plays together, stay together

Helen O’Callaghan reports on the connections between physical activity and a sense of togetherness as a family.

BEING active as a family not only helps to build fitness, it also helps to build lasting bonds. According the first national Family Togetherness Index, very active families experience 48% stronger family togetherness than inactive families.

The research, issued by Center Parcs Ireland, looked at what’s bringing families together in Ireland and what’s keeping them apart.

It found that 67% of families are physically active together with 10% of those claiming to be very active — yet 56% of parents would like to be participating more in physical activity together.

Meanwhile, one in three families in Ireland described themselves as inactive as a family. The Index found these families enjoyed a far lower level of family togetherness or happiness as a result.

Child psychotherapist Colman Noctor says he was surprised at the high rate of togetherness experienced by families who are physically active together.

“It was really high and it wasn’t families doing 5K hikes together. It was fairly simple things like walking the dog — 65% said it was the most popular family activity they engaged in — or going to the beach or swimming pool.”

Doing physical activity allows for interaction, says Noctor. “There’s no pressure like you might have sitting down across the table. You don’t have to talk, it’s not manufactured, and when children are under less pressure to talk, they talk more. Parents and children get a chance to mutually share stories — conversations can occur in that space.”

Noctor points out that closeness is achieved through mutual self-disclosures of matters deemed important to us. “We need to get to know those aspects of each other in order to develop togetherness. The simplest way to achieve a greater sense of closeness is to speak to children about the things that matter to them — what their friends are chatting about, if they’re happy at school or if someone’s bothering them online.”

But with an increasingly big focus on screen time, extra-curricular activities and the parental “cult of busyness” — four in 10 parents expressed dissatisfaction with their family work/life balance — windows for close connection occur less. Which is why doing physical activity together is so powerful — it removes the family from potential distractions like having the phone go off or feeling you have to respond to emails.

Aside from surveying more than 600 parents of children aged 16 and younger across the island of Ireland, the study also involved focus groups with young people. And the good news, particularly for working parents, is that it’s not abundance of time that matters — but rather quality time or time well spent. Also of comfort to working parents is the finding that they experience similar share of quality time with children as do stay-at-home parents.

And shared activities don’t have to be a major production. “None of the young people we spoke to in the focus groups described anything remotely elaborate,” says Noctor. “It wasn’t a marquee in the garden for First Communion — it was activities like playing with Lego together or building a fort with cushions from the sofa. It’s almost the unplanned things that kids really appreciate doing with their parents.

“One little boy said: ‘I don’t like going to posh restaurants because you have to keep quiet’— though the parent might like the restaurant.”

The research threw up some gender differences too. Mums spend 29% more time with their children but dads rate the time they spend with their children 25% higher in terms of quality.

“Maybe dads set the bar lower for what quality time is. Or perhaps we’re more invested in creating a fun family time when we see children less,” comments Noctor.

More than 70% of parents in Ireland frequently experience moments of true closeness with their children. Irish mums have these moments 13% more often than dads and it’s the everyday conversations like “what do you enjoy?” and “how was your day?” that connect parents with their children on a closer level. However, almost 30% of parents believe they could do with having moments of connectedness more frequently.

More than half (51%) of those surveyed revealed they’re less than satisfied with the amount of quality time they have with their children during the week, with one in five admitting they’re dissatisfied. Interestingly, over half also believe they spend more quality time with their children than they received when they were young, with 28% of those spending significantly more quality time with their children today.

“You’d think surely mums would have been at home more [in the past]. You wouldn’t have had the working mum or the M50 dad. But parents are more tuned into what is quality time today and you see a lot more dads pushing the buggy and ensuring they spend time with children during the week,” comments Noctor, who stresses that we need to invest in close family dynamics – they won’t happen by themselves.

“You have to have an open and approachable way with your child. A close relationship isn’t developed in crisis but in the years before crisis happens. Investing in the quality of your relationship with your child will pay dividends when they really need you.”

Center Parcs Ireland will open in Longford Forest in summer 2019. For more information, visit www.centerparcs.ie.