Sex advice with Suzi Godson: Flatmate’s proximity is ruining my sex life
The optimum length of time for intercourse, according to a study of women, is about seven minutes. I would really hope that no flatmate would be so unreasonable as to object to that. If she was unhappy about the sound effects she would have made sure you knew about it. Even if she has overheard the odd rattle of the bedstead, I’m sure she is perfectly capable of screening out any unwelcome noises by turning up the volume on the TV or sticking in a pair of earplugs.
You are obviously a very considerate person, but if you can’t have sex in your own home, where can you have it? As long as you don’t have sex with your boyfriend in the public areas, I think you are within your rights to vocalise your affection for your boyfriend within the privacy of your bedroom. The walls may be thin and the square footage minuscule, but you pay the rent and that basically gives you permission to do what you like in your bedroom.
I get the feeling that worrying about your friend’s proximity has created so much anxiety that you now both feel self-conscious. That’s not helpful for either of you, so forget the sound effects and focus on having fun. If you haven’t played the silent sex game, now is the time. Don’t speak. Just let your eyes, smile and hands do all the talking. Trying not to make any noise while having sex is often a recipe for uncontrollable giggles, but do your best.
It’s always good to prepare for an extra-special sex session. Have props to hand if you wish, and create a romantic environment with candles, fresh sheets and a bottle of wine in an ice bucket. You’ll need your smartphone and some speakers too, because although you are not allowed to say anything to each other, a soundtrack is a good idea. Try something different — it could be piano sonatas, it could be something more upbeat — but whatever it is, it will make you feel less self-conscious and distract you from your own soundtrack, if those giggles get the better of you.
Since you have only just moved in, your feelings of discomfort will probably fade as you settle in. However, no one who lives in a flatshare feels that they have enough space, so it is important for you and your flatmate to work out the best way to give each other the privacy you need. I’d suggest sitting down with a cup of tea and having a chat about how you feel.
Explain that you are very conscious of her feelings and that you want to avoid things becoming awkward, so you’d like to lay down some ground rules about sexual activity.
It could be leaving a code in a communal area that you are “busy” with your boyfriend. It could be that at the start of the week you ask her casually when she is out that week so that you can be at home when she is out. Whatever you decide, do it in anticipation of the roles being reversed one day. Right now, you and your boyfriend are the issue, but you may find yourself in her shoes at some point.
