Ask Audrey: The one thing I can say as a Cork woman is that Dublin is full of tits

Sorting out Cork people for years...

My grand-daughter has gone wild in an attempt to embarrass her parents, nose-piercing, tattoos, pretending she goes to Christ the King (imagine!).

She arrived up to my sprawling Lee Road mansion yesterday with her latest boyfriend, Moonbutter. He’s from down around Schull. I doubt his parents live in a house.

Anyway, she’s bringing this creature to my annual garden party on Sunday, so he can rub shoulders with the cream of Cork. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make him sound posh, and have decided to tell people he’s protestant. Is that a good idea?

– Eileen, Lee Road.

A. As bad ideas go, it’s up there with opening a Euro Giant in Crookhaven. I think you need to go with the flow on this one, and put LSD in the champagne.

This would turn Moonbutter into an instant celebrity and expand some minds in the cream of Cork. One or two of them might even realise they’re just the same as the rest of us. #Radical.

C’mere, what’s the story with having sex on a plane? The old doll and myself got gazeebos drunk in a beer garden yesterday and decided to join the mile-high club when we fly to Lanzarote next week.

In fairness, we always follow through on these things no matter how daft they do be, which is why I have a tattoo on my shin saying “I loves Limerick”.

Anyway, it’s the old doll’s birthday when we fly, so I want to make it romantic in the jacks before doing the deed. Do you think a candle might set off the smoke alarm?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, do the air hostesses be looking out for it?

A.They do be. Your bad grammar is contagious. I hope that’s not the only thing of yours that’s contagious — I feel sorry for the people who have to use the toilet after you and the old doll.

And not just because they’re on their way to Lanzarote. #NorriesOnTour

Hi, my friend from college is living in Dublin and has invited me up to stay with her this weekend. She’s

always been open-minded about her body (she’s from Kinsale) and wants us to go to the new nudist beach just opened near Dalkey.

Now, I’m almost certain I have the best boobs in Cork, because I got dad to splash out and get me a breast augmentation for my 30th (I know that’s well creepy, but you should see them).

That said, Dublin is just richer than Cork, you know that kind of a way, and I’m worried they’ll look down at my ‘girls’, the way I mock people from Carrigaline. Am I right to be worried?

– Laura, Douglas, what’s Dalkey like?

A It’s basically the Rochestown Road with a zero at the end. My niece moved from Cork to Dublin last year because we all make mistakes. I asked her for the low-down on boobs in the capital.

She said the one thing I can say as a Cork woman is that Dublin is full of tits. I said dowcha girl, keep up the good work.

We have two boys under six. They’ll be going to Pres like their grandfather. At least that’s what I thought until I broached having a third child with my husband last night. He said OK, but we won’t be able to afford fees for all three of them.

I said I wish you weren’t so tight with money, but what else can I expect (he’s from Charleville)? He’s after digging in his heels and I’m not sure which way to go.

I’d love to have three kids, but I burst into tears at the thought of them walking around town in Coláiste Chríost Rí uniforms. Please help.

– Angie, Douglas, this is worse than Sophie’s Choice.

A. We all just knew you were going to say that. Seriously, though, what were you thinking marrying someone from Charleville? One wrong turn up there, and you’re in Limerick! North Cork people just don’t understand the benefits of giving your kids a fee-paying education.

1. You get taken seriously by your neighbours.

2. There is no number 2.

Hello old stock, I was doing a spot of business in West Cork on Monday when I got a text from Hoggy to see if I fancied a pint in Castletownshend.

Turns out I fancied 23 pints, one thing led to another and we somehow ended up travelling to Donegal in a mini-bus with two very angry feminists, who got quite animated when Hoggy said “I suppose a game of spin the bottle is out of the question, girls?”

Anyway, I’m stranded up here now and everyone sounds like Daniel O’Donnell. What’s the fastest way back to Cork?

– Reggie, Blackrock, For Sale: One Range Rover on the pier in Castletownshend, I’ll buy a new one when I get home.

A. You might find a Range Rover hard to sell down there, they all have one already.

I asked my route-planing guru, Satnav Steve, what’s the biggest problem you’ll face when travelling from Donegal to Cork. He said getting re-acquainted with the 21st century. Isn’t he sharp for a nerd?