Ask Audrey: 'I’m afraid it’s impossible to stay classy while admitting you bought a house in Glanmire'

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages.

C’mere girl, me nerves do be red raw trying to discipline my three-year old, Roy. It was grand before Christmas because I could threaten him with a Santy no-show, but now I do have nothing to use against him. Do you have any tips for me?

– Carol-Ann, Ballyvolane, how do ye discipline children in Ballinlough?

No idea, I’ll check with my au pair. Only messing. As if I’d have kids and get distracted from all my social climbing! (Imagine.) I asked my Posh cousin if she has any ideas. She said where does this Carol-Ann live? I said Ballyvolane. She said that’s a shame. I said I know, but why. She said because she can’t threaten little Roy with a move to the northside. I said is that what you use against your Ronan? She said no way, that would be an appalling thing to do to a child.

I just give him a quick little slap when no one is looking.

Hello old stock. As half of Cork knows, myself and my wife split before Christmas, because of my drinking with the lads, busy hands and a very poor explanation as to why I need seven mobile phones. The good news is we are back together for 2018, because I couldn’t afford to buy her a place of her own in Blackrock. The bad news is she bought me a Fitbit as a token of goodwill and I think she is using it to spy on me. Do you know if this is possible?

– Reggie, Blackrock, I do 8,000 steps a day.

On the road to Waterford? Keep going Reggie boy, we’re all behind you. I asked my software engineer neighbour, Eric, if you can spy on someone with a Fitbit. He said you can do whatever you want these days as long as you are tech savvy. I said except get a girlfriend, Eric. (You should have seen the state of his shirt.)

Ciao. I have just moved to Cork for work. Unfortunately, the rent in your city is as ridiculous as an Italian man with only one parka. (Immaginare.) The crazy rent means I must commute from a neighbouring town and I have now narrowed down my choices to Mallow or Fermoy. Which one do you think would suit me best?

– Gianni, Bologna, would you like to show me around this weekend?

One of my New Year’s resolution is to keep away from Italians. So let’s leave it until next week. (I should be back on the booze by then, please god.)

I honestly think it’s impossible to choose between Mallow and Fermoy . You know that no matter what you do, you’re going to end up in one of them.

The best thing about Mallow is at least it isn’t Charleville. On the other hand, Fermoy has its fans, giant industrial ones to blow the stench of disappointment back towards Mitchelstown. (Not that they work.)

I came home yesterday to find my mother in tears. I said what’s wrong. She said you just spent a fortune on a house in Glanmire. I said correct. She said Upper Glanmire to be precise. I said absolutely. She said the sale price won’t be up on the Property Price Register for ages. I said I know. She said I can’t wait that long before bragging about your wealth to my frenemies in Douglas Golf Club. I said I’ll see if that one Audrey in the Examiner can help. So, is there a classy way to disclose how much we paid.

– Marion, Upper Glanmire, we could have bought on the southside, but decided against it.

Isn’t it awful when you can only afford Turners Cross? I’m afraid it’s impossible to stay classy while admitting that you bought a house in Glanmire. As for calling it Upper Glanmire — to be honest that’s like saying you’re moving into the nice part of Wilton. (Come off it, like.)

Guten Tag. I am in Ireland for six months and have gone on seven Tinder dates with Irish guys. I’m a modern woman and like to split the bill, which doesn’t seem to bother them, particularly as they average 3.2 drinks more than me per date. (I’m German. I count things.) I am thinking of imposing a two-drink limit for splitting the bill, after which they pay for their own. Your comments?

– Claudia, Berlin and Ballintemple, I still haven’t found the one.

The chase can be very enjoyable. Unless you are one of these people who’s on Tinder for something other than casual sex. (Imagine.) I asked my cocksure student nephew (UCC) if he ever dated a teetotal feminist, so she could subsidise his boozing. He said why would you date anyone else?

I said okay, but do you really have to drink so much on a date? He said yes when the old doll wants to give you a two-hour lecture on the patriarchy I said she probably doesn’ t appreciate you calling her an old doll. He said tell me about it.