Ask Audrey: 'I heard that Viagra fumes from Pfizer’s were causing stiffys below in Ringaskiddy'

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Hello old stock. I heard that Viagra fumes from Pfizer’s were causing stiffys below in Ringaskiddy, so I drove down to see if it has any effect. (Not that I’d need it.) Let’s just say I had trouble getting back in the car. (2017 Range Rover Evoque Coupé, before you ask.) Worse again, there is no sign of what you might call a retreat and I have to give a keynote speech to the Cork Chamber of Commerce tomorrow night, titled My Yacht is Bigger Than Yours. Can you help?

–Reggie, Blackrock, I’ve tried the obvious.

Your poor wife. I’m amazed to hear there is a well-endowed man driving around Cork in a Range Rover. (We all know you’re compensating for something.) I asked my Posh Cousin if she’d heard the crazy Viagra fumes rumour. She said yes, in fact “I drove through Ringaskiddy with the window down” is considered a come-on now, down in Carrigaline. I said I suppose it makes a change from ,“I’ve had four pints and I’m still not tired.” She said, exactly.

Awright mate?! I is keeping a close eye on current events now that I is seeing this gorgeous girls wots in college, innit. Net outcome? Brexit, voted for it at the time, taking back control wasn’t it, but now starting to think I’d rather be in EU than staying here in England, under the control of posh twits wot have clearly been at the gin, if I’m honest. So, cut to the chase, how do think I’d get on in Cork?

– Danzy, London, I’m right impressed by your Minister for Other Countries, Simon Coventry.

Not half as impressed as he is by himself. Don’t worry about your ability to fit in. Half of Kerry lives in Cork, we’ve no problem integrating cheerful dimwits who struggle to speak English, innit. (No offence.) One other piece of advice, for an intellectual like yourself. I know in London that most of the uneducated savages are confined to south of the river. Well, over here in Cork, it’s the other way around.

I’m livid at my new husband. He’s big into history, so for Christmas I paid for an investigation of his family tree, with a DNA test and everything. It turns out he’s third-generation Gurranabraher and (I’m in tears writing this), his grand-uncle was in the Butter Exchange Band. This is enough to get me barred from Brown Thomas Designer Collection Shows. (The audience is basically like being back in Mount Mercy, but with Botox.) Anyway, I’m afraid to have kids with this guy now in case the poor creatures take a shine to greyhounds and shopping on North Main Street. (Imagine.) Is this grounds for divorce?

– Monica (not my real name), Blackrock, he told me he was descended from Austrian aristocrats.

The Von Norries? I asked my solicitor friend if he’d recommend a divorce. He said yes. I said why. He said because he wants to put an extension on his house in Schull, and your misery could help pay for it. And they said solicitors weren’t honest.

Guten Tag. I am dating this gorgeous woman from Bishopstown. (I realise this is a contradiction.) The other day we went to meet her parents. The father was nice, although I could see he was struggling not to blurt out the word Nazi. The mother, I think, must be crazy and violent. We were talking about her friend and she said “I’ll be dug out of her.” Worse still, everyone in her family laughed at this. So, do you think I steer clear of these crazy people? PTT – Karl, Hamburg and Ballincollig, why do people think it’s funny to mock my accent?

Ve are easily amused. I wouldn’t worry about “I’ll be dug out of her.” It’s just a thing Cork mothers say without thinking, along with “I hope it always stays fine for you” and “Who cares if he’s a pompous gobshite with a guzz eye, the important thing is he went to Pres.”

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a group of Gwyneth Paltrow superfans back in Skibbereen and didn’t she arrive home the other night and say she wants a vagina steaming machine for Christmas. You can never be sure about these things, but I’m fairly certain this is not something they’ll have below in Drinagh Co-Op. I put “Vagina Steam West Cork” into Google and you wouldn’t believe the emails I’ve been getting from horny Russian women in my area, ever since. Do you know where I might find such a steaming machine? – Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Drimoleague until you see a man practising how to say “How’re oo’ goin on”, in Russian.

I checked with my niece for you there, she’s a wellness guru and social media influencer. (AKA, unemployed.) She said that vagina steaming thing has been discredited. I said, even though it was recommended by Gwyneth Paltrow. She said no, because it was recommended by Gwyneth Paltrow. I said, I see what you mean.