Tric Kearney: It's my life

I’m not one to believe in ghosts and ghouls, but something odd is happening in our house. I’m convinced we have ‘visitors’.

Not the four legged rodent variety, but rather something or someone hiding in our house. I have yet to see them or even hear them but I know they are here.

I first sensed their presence months ago. I was in the bathroom, doing housewifely things like cleaning it, when I reached for the container holding the family’s toothbrushes. It held seven toothbrushes… we are a family of six.

I wondered if perhaps one of my children had bought a new toothbrush, but couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. No, they believe toothbrushes are for life unless a new one is handed to them.

Instead, I decided the most likely explanation was that it belonged to one of their friends, left behind after a sleepover.

Satisfied with my deduction I thought no more of it until the dirt in the bathroom forced me to once again don my Marigolds some time later. As I approached the shelf with the toothbrush holder I saw it was laden with toothbrushes of all colours, nine in total.

So puzzled was I at my discovery I’d to sit down to a cup of tea. It was then I began to figure it all out. I’d been missing the clues for years.

Take the strange goings on in the kitchen, for example. I was being eaten out of house and home.

When I asked how it was possible that all the nice biscuits were gone within hours of purchase, I was met by incredulous looks and assurances that none of my children had eaten more than one.

When I wondered who had left the empty packets of bars in the cupboard, each of my children told me they’d hardly eaten any. I had labelled them all guilty, but now I’m not so sure.

Interestingly, there has never been a theft of brown bread or anything healthy.

Sitting at the table my mind moved to the other clues about the house. Daily I find dirty cups, plates and bowls in various rooms. I shout and roar waving the offending items about, but amazingly no ever one owns them.

Now that I think of it, they usually contain ice cream. Is that another clue ?

Whatever type of presence is here it definitely wears clothes as each week items of clothing magically appear in one of the girls bedrooms, usually the youngest.

There follows shouting from her sisters as to why the item has been left on the floor and not put in the wash.

The poor girl assures us she did indeed put it in the wash and cannot imagine how it is now back in her room.

Perhaps with all evidence now pointing to an unexplained visitor, we have greatly wronged her? Maybe I should ask her sisters to apologise immediately?

Putting all the clues together, I’m happy I’ve built up a clear profile of our mystery visitor: definitely female, has good teeth and loves ice cream. Also, she wears unwashed clothing and is one legged.

Why one legged? Well what other explanation would anyone have for the number of single socks in the wash?

To date I’ve kept this information private as it sounds a little crazy, but I wonder, is ours the only house that has been chosen?

Perhaps there is a whole community of ‘visitors’ inhabiting houses and leaving clues, but I am the only one clever enough to have put two and two together?