Sex advice with Suzi Godson: Dressing up is a big turn off for my partner

Suzi Godson gives her relationship advice on sexy lingerie and spontaneity.

I like to dress up in stockings and extravagant lingerie — I find it exciting. However, my boyfriend says he doesn’t find it sexy at all. He says that he prefers spontaneity, which dressing up removes. He thinks it’s all too much of a performance. Am I right to feel disappointed that he’s not keen?

Sometimes, issues that seem simple mask quite complicated underlying problems, and this is one of them. You seem to be clear about your own requirements, but are confused by your boyfriend’s objections.

Let me try to explain. When he talks about preferring spontaneity, it sounds as though he doesn’t want you to break the flow once sex has been initiated. If you excuse yourself from foreplay to change into lingerie, you may be turning yourself on, but you are doing precisely the opposite for him.

During sex, any form of distraction or delay has a negative effect on male arousal. It is why so many men hate using condoms. By the time they have found the packet, ripped the foil wrapper open, squeezed the air out of the rubber and unrolled it over their erection . . . oh, what erection? And, of course, once men have that association, they do everything they can to avoid it.

You should also give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt when he says he doesn’t like lingerie. Although the “look” you describe is a visual shorthand for ‘sexy’, not all men appreciate push-up bras, basques and suspenders. Like the stereotypical naughty maid or the hot nurse in an undersized uniform, looks that were once universally accepted as ‘male turn-ons’ are now considered, particularly by younger men, to be cliches that hark back to an era of inequality and female objectification. If your boyfriend happened to be a fan of burlesque, or he was excited by the idea of a sexual ‘performance’, then yes, he might sit and wait for you in excited anticipation. But he isn’t.

Which brings us to whether or not you carry on with something if it gives you pleasure. My feeling is that if wearing fancy lingerie is so important, you would wear it all the time. Then spontaneity would never be an issue because you would be good to go whenever you felt like having sex. The fact that you don’t suggests that it is the act, rather than the aesthetic, that boosts your arousal. And there is nothing wrong with that. Getting dressed up is a way of preparing the mind and body for sex. The sensation of soft silks and satins sliding on to skin can be erotic, and it sounds as if this ritual has become an important cue for your arousal.

There is no reason why this can’t continue to be a part of your sexual repertoire, but it shouldn’t be the only way that you can get yourself in the mood for sex. Problems arise when props become more important stimuli than partners, and your boyfriend is clearly concerned that you can be sexually confident only if you are in costume. Show him that this isn’t true by varying your routine and he may be more amenable to the idea of you dressing up on some occasions, just not all.

At present he believes that sex, for you, is a ‘performance’ and what he might be trying to say to you, in a rather circuitous way, is that he wants to have sex with the real youm — the you that doesn’t feel the need to hide behind a suit of sexy armour to make love. He is, in effect, challenging you to throw away your comfort blanket and come to bed with him, just the way you are.

That’s a very romantic proposition and one you should take him up on.

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