Sex advice with Suzi Godson: Why is my boyfriend losing his erection?

Suzi Godson gives her advice on managing erectile difficulties.

"My boyfriend and I are in our early 30s and have been together a little over a year. We have a great relationship and a good sex life, but recently there have been occasions when he loses his erection during sex. He says it’s not me, but I’m worried. Am I boring him? Am I doing something wrong?”

If you and your boyfriend were having problems with each other, his erectile difficulties might indicate that all was not well with your relationship. However, you are getting on great, so this sounds like ordinary “occasional” impotence.

Although it feels like a big deal, it is so common that most males experience it. It can generally be attributed to one or several of the following: stress, tiredness, drinking too much alcohol, eating a large meal, smoking, or taking drugs, including prescription medications such as antidepressants, or anti-histamines.

You should also consider whether you and your boyfriend might be having too much sex. If you are doing it more than once a day, or he masturbates a lot, he may need to give his body more time to recover between sessions.

Limiting alcohol intake, getting enough sleep, taking exercise, and not eating too much before sex will make an immediate difference, whereas habitual changes, such as quitting smoking or avoiding drugs, will lead to gradual improvements. Your boyfriend might also want to try drinking two or three cups of coffee a day. A University of Texas study found that men who consumed 85-170mg of caffeine daily were 42% less likely to report erectile dysfunction (ED).

A separate study by professor Aedin Cassidy, of the University of East Anglia and the Harvard School of Public Health, suggests that eating foods that are high in flavonoids, such as blueberries and strawberries, can reduce the risk of ED by 21%.

You don’t say how your boyfriend behaves when he loses his erection, but most men feel embarrassed, and those feelings are magnified exponentially if their partner reacts insensitively.

Stress is unhelpful because it triggers the release of adrenaline and diverts blood flow away from the extremities (such as the penis) and back towards the heart and lungs, in preparation for “fight or flight”.

If your boyfriend continues to experience spontaneous nocturnal, or morning, erections, the issue is almost certainly not physical, but if the problem persists, or gets worse, he should see a doctor. As a rule of thumb, if a man has trouble getting or maintaining an erection more than 25% of the time, he needs to be examined.

In the past it was thought that ED in younger men was almost always psychogenic, but now it is thought that 70% of persistent erectile difficulties are caused by physical conditions that restrict blood flow or hamper nerve function.

Erections rely on good circulation, so their absence can be a sign of clogged arteries or an early indication of underlying health problems such as diabetes or vascular disease. An Italian study recently established that one in four men seeking medical help for new onset ED was under 40. It can be really difficult not to take something such as this personally, but try not to link this to how your relationship is going.

Your boyfriend’s erection is a response to his sexual arousal, not a barometer of your attractiveness, or a measure of your compatibility.

I know you want reassurance, but your boyfriend probably needs it more than you do, so put his feelings first and be willing to help. You would be surprised how many women expect a man to be able to maintain an erection without actually touching his penis. If he declines, make his loss your gain, and turn it into an opportunity for him to pleasure you.

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