Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re oo goin on? The missus is back from a city break in Barcelona and didn’t she get herself a tattoo. Nothing will do her now but that I get one myself. What do you think it should say? — Ger Mick Michael, veer left outside Ballinascarthy and hope for the best.

You don’t see many tattoos west of Bandon. I hear they are about as rare down there as taking a shower during the week.

Bear in mind no-one will take you seriously if you walk around with ‘I love Ballinascarthy’ written on your arm. And a tattoo can put a fierce strain on your relationship.

My Conor suggested that we get matching tattoos to proclaim our love. He forgot to say it should be our love for each other. So now I have ‘I’ll never forget you Rodrigo, or is it Luis’ written across the back of my neck.

My Conor wouldn’t talk to me for six months. Every cloud, says you.

The new principal in my daughter’s school sent a letter saying we are to use cheap supermarket uniforms to help cut costs for back-to-school spend. I asked her to send out another letter saying if you can’t afford the Douglas lifestyle, there’s always Turners Cross. The daft hippy refused. What can I do about this? — Sophie, I love going for tapas with the girls and roaring my head off about our seven grand holiday.

Remind me to give tapas a miss for a while.

You are not alone on the supermarket uniform dilemma. Half of posh Cork is looking for new ways to use their kids to ram their wealth down other people’s throats.

I hear the most Googled term in Blackrock is ‘Louboutins for kids.’ Followed closely by ‘fee-paying primary schools in Cork’ and ‘Is it true that Tesco is full of Norries?’

Hello darling. Myself and my lady friends here in Chelsea are rather turned on by your O’Donovan brothers who won silver at the Olympics. We are flying over for a (hopefully) dirty weekend with the local lads in Skibbereen. Have you any tips for us? — Cressida, London, I think Daddy owns Mallow.

He’ll struggle to get rid of it. You’ll struggle with the lingo in West Cork. It’s mainly muttering, whistling and the word ‘Crysht’. I find the best way to prepare for it is to listen to a badly tuned-in Christian radio station.

A couple of phrases should come in handy for your dirty weekend. A collection of local lads is known as ‘the min’. They should be greeted with ‘how are the min?’

And sorry to be the bearer of bad news... For every well-toned rower in Skibbereen, there are ten guys who have a nickname for their beer belly.

Guten tag. I am driving around the Wild Atlantic Way next week. What kind of car do I need to hire for this terrain? — Erik, Berlin, I am one of those Germans who likes everything to be just so.

I didn’t realise there was any other kind of German. Car choice is tricky for the Wild Atlantic Way.

Arrive into parts of West Cork driving anything less than a Mercedes and people will have nothing to say to you. Except maybe, “Any chance you could wash my yacht there, old stock?” My advice is to change down to a smaller car for the next part of the trip. You don’t want to drive around the Ring of Kerry in an expensive car.

It’s not unusual to hear a bar owner in Killorglin whisper “He’s driving a Merc, Eileen, lash one fifty on to the price of a Purple Snack.”

C’mere, what’s the story with the event centre we were promised on South Main Street? That Mayo fella, Enda Kenny, was mad to turn the sod on it before the election. But there has been nothing done since. This is typical of the crowd above in Dublin. What can we do about it? — Dowtcha Donie, I was delighted to see Cork winning a medal in the Olympics.

I hope it gets sorted out soon and they move the gigs from the Marquee into town.

I’m sick of mouth-breathing culchies parking around my place in Ballinlough before the gigs. I had to go out and ask one of them to move the other night because I didn’t want the neighbours to think I know someone from Westmeath.

I can’t repeat here what your one said in reply.

Mainly because she’s from Westmeath and I couldn’t understand a word she was saying.