Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Like, I met this hot Cork guy on the plane the other day. He suggested we should go for a dirty weekend in Amsterdam, which is like totes inappropes, but kind of cool too, d’ya know what I mean. Anyway, he told me that he’s from Bishopstown. Is he good enough for me? — Portia-Bell, Ballsbridge, Daddy owns an island.

No, he’s playing out of his league. Bishopstown is where Cork people live when they can’t afford a place in Douglas. And Douglas still has a fair few people living in semi-ds. (Not that they’d admit it in public.) In fairness, you’ll find some doctors like to live in Bishopstown. You’ll also find that they’ll tell you their salary in the first 30 seconds of conversation. So I doubt if this guy fits the bill. Which is pretty high in your case, Portia-Bell. (You should do something about your name.)

C’mere, I read that we might have Cork men at the helm of three major political parties soon, with Micheál Martin, Simon Coveney and Seán Sherlock. Is it too soon to hire a plane to fly over Dublin with a banner out the back saying “Take that, the lot of ye.” — Jerry ‘One of Our Own’, Ballyvolane, my dog is called Roy Barry-Murphy.

There is obviously never a bad time to insult someone from Dublin. But there are a lot of Cork people looking to fly planes over the capital saying things like, “Ye think ye’re it.” So you’ll need a licence. Also, Seán Sherlock has been mentioned as the next leader of Labour. I’m not sure you can put them in the same sentence as ‘major political party.’ It doesn’t look good that they have barely more seats than the Healy-Raes. And that they make even less sense when they open their mouths!

I’m really struggling here. I know I should be doing something on Paddy’s Day to ram my wealth down everyone’s throat. (Kenny sold his software company to a bunch of gullible nerds from San Fran. We’re worth more than Japan!) The problem is all the green Leprechaun gear looks like it comes from those Euro discount shops for norries. I saw an emerald ring in town for eight grand. Do you think I should buy it for my daughter? — Clodagh, Blackrock, it would look great on her in Montessori.

I wouldn’t pick Paddy’s Day to show off your fabulous taste. Let’s just say the definition of sophistication in Cork during March is someone who doesn’t have a puke on Oliver Plunkett Street. So the bar is pretty low. As for buying an eight grand ring for a toddler. That isn’t considered classy anywhere. Except maybe Waterford.

Hey, I’m like a geek. I read that the next Star Wars film is going to be shot in some place called the Dingle Peninsula. I totally want to go there and take some selfies and make my friends feel-like inadequate. Do you know anything about this Dingle peninsula? — Zach, San Francisco, The Big Bang Theory was written about me, isn’t that cool?

No. It’s a worry. Cork people are very familiar with the Dingle Peninsula. It’s where our parents sent us to learn how to have sex while speaking a new language. I think it’s where I got my fetish for Italian men. ‘Go hiontach’. The locals on the peninsula speak English and Irish. You won’t be able to understand them either way. You’ll also find a lot of long-haired types who want to get away from it all. Particularly when ‘it all’ involves having a job.

Ciao. I am going to watch the rugby match in town tomorrow in a pub and have managed to persuade my girlfriend not to come along! What is the best way to attract a beautiful Irish rugby girl for sweet love? — Fabio, Venice and Victoria Cross.

Just stand there in your Italian jersey and don’t say anything. Your oily chat up lines are no good until the women have downed five Heinekens. This is a tipping point for Irish women. From then on any guy in a jersey is actually hotter than a fireman at a hen party.

I have 18 entries in my phone for ‘Guy from the Sextant.’ (Two more and I get a t-shirt. Bring it on!) There is however one thing the rugby chicks will want to know before they consider you as suitable material. So make sure you practice the following sentence.... Ciao bella, I went to the Pres of Venice. After that it’s just a matter of putting ‘in’ and ‘Flynn’ in a sentence.

Cork people are very familiar with the Dingle Peninsula. It’s where our parents sent us to learn how to have sex while speaking a new language

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