"I’m worried my boyfriend thinks I’m lazy or prudish in bed"

Q. I have a new-ish boyfriend and I’m very much in love with him.

I’m concerned, however, that he is far more adventurous in the bedroom than I am.

I’m very happy being ‘vanilla’, but I worry that he might think I’m lazy or even prudish.

I’m feeling under pressure to perform.

A. The answer to your question is a very clear “no”.

Sex is not a performance and you should never engage in sexual activities that make you feel uncomfortable so that someone else will think that you are good in bed.

And what does “good in bed” even mean?

Good is not an adjective that transcends individual differences.

One person’s “good” is another person’s “meh”. So, “good in bed” is a meaningless measure of nothing much whatsoever.

New relationships would, I suppose, be more straightforward if we had some sort of gauge for sexual compatibility, but we can’t even agree on a definition of what constitutes sex.

Is it penetration? Does oral count? What about using a vibrator?

Sex means different things to different people and sometimes the difference is a matter of linguistics.

Take the word “adventurous”.

To many people it would merely mean wearing lingerie, trying new positions, and buying new sex toys.

In porn it would mean something vastly different.

When it comes to sexual behaviour, “adventurous” can also be shorthand for a limited attention span.

A percentage of young men who have been raised on a diet of porn learn to think about sex in terms of angles and positions, rather than intimacy and pleasure.

They believe that what they see on the screen happens in real time when, in fact, it takes six hours to shoot a 30-minute porn feature.

If this rings a bell with you, don’t worry.

Young men who act out pornified sex often have a deficit of real-world experience, but exposure to actual, as opposed to virtual, relationships usually sorts the problem out.

You don’t explain what your boyfriend wants to do that makes you feel so uncomfortable, but you shouldn’t automatically assume that you are the problem.

And don’t be frightened of difference. We are all different and we can all learn from each other.

It is also true that opposites often attract, so “performing” might be detrimental rather than constructive.

In a 2011 study of heterosexual couples by the University of Rochester, it was found that it is not similarity but complementarity that predicts compatibility.

The researchers studied how couples interacted sexually and found it was the way in which their likes and dislikes complemented each other that made their relationships more satisfying.

For example, if one partner was dominant and the other was submissive, those complementary desires benefited their sexual relationship.

Similarly, if one partner enjoyed giving oral and the other enjoyed receiving it, that complementarity was an advantage.

Viewed from this perspective, it would be a mistake for you to try to be more like your boyfriend, because it may actually be the yin-yang nature of his “adventurousness” and your “prudishness” that is making the relationship work.

Finally, although we struggle to define what sex is, in 2009 the psychologist Peggy Kleinplatz and a team at the University of Ottawa explored what great sex feels like.

Their study, The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait of ‘Great Sex’ is worth reading in full, but the most significant components were:

* Being present, focused, and embodied;

* Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync;

* Deep sexual and erotic intimacy;

* Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy;

* Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency;

* Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing;

* Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun;

* Vulnerability and surrender.

I doubt any of those components, individually or collectively, would intimidate anyone or make them feel prudish, but they are all, without exception, predicated on truth.

So forget being “good in bed” and focus on being true to yourself. If you can achieve that, everything else will follow.

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