Sex advice: My boyfriend insists on showering before sex

Suzi Godson delivers some sex advice. 

My boyfriend always wants to shower before sex. He says that showering together turns him on, which is great sometimes, but it removes any spontaneity.

Certain people, such as your boyfriend, find the pre-sex shower more arousing than the sex. Having a shower can, of course, be very sexy, but the decision to have sex is not one that should be determined by access to a bathroom.

We all like to be clean, well most of us anyway, but even in your own home there are times when taking a shower is an unwelcome interruption. On wintry weekend mornings, given the choice between warm snuggly sex and a bracing shower, I know which one I’d pick.

You don’t say if your boyfriend also showers after sex, but the word “always” suggests a behaviour that is borne of “need”, rather than choice, and if his rigid adherence to pre-sex bathing seems less sexual and more ritualistic, he could be suffering from a mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD is an umbrella term that describes a spectrum of disorders characterised by obsession and/or compulsion.

Although it is often referred to in a jokey way, it is the fourth most prevalent psychiatric disorder after depression, substance abuse and anxiety, and it affects men and women equally.

OCD can be a seriously debilitating condition and people who develop fears around washing and contamination can spend up to 10 hours a day washing.

People with extreme OCD can’t really disguise their condition. However, about 25 per cent of the population exhibit milder symptoms. They may be slightly obsessive about cleanliness; they may touch the walls, or the doors, as part of a compulsion. These little rituals don’t take over their lives, but they do encroach, so even mild OCD needs to be kept in check.

Research into gender differences in OCD carried out by the University of São Paulo, Brazil, established that washing rituals and contamination fears are much more common in women. In contrast, men with OCD are more likely to develop sexual obsessions.

Without more detailed information it is hard to know which “diagnosis” might apply, but if one partner persists with a behaviour, despite knowing that their partner dislikes it, they generally also know the reason why. You need to get your boyfriend to be honest with you, and if he reveals that his shower habit is a fetish, you need to consider if that is something you can cope with.

Fetishes that interfere with a person’s quality of life can be “treated” with drugs, reconditioning or medication, but most fetishes are a source of pleasure and, therefore, pose no particular problem. OCD is different.

Although it can be treated using cognitive behavioural therapy, most people wait an average of 12 years before they get help, and by then small rituals may have escalated to unmanageable proportions.

People with OCD are often apprehensive about explaining their behaviours because they are reluctant to relinquish the rituals that they have developed to limit stress and anxiety. However, the general advice is that you shouldn’t collude with OCD demands because, in the long run, it reinforces the behaviour.

Either way, your next step is to get him to open up about what is really going on. Once you are closer to the truth you can work out the best way to support him and to look after yourself.

If your boyfriend finds it difficult to get aroused without showering, showering with him may prove to be the optimal, if slightly inconvenient, way to enjoy foreplay. If, on the other hand, he is perfectly capable of becoming aroused and having sex without showering, then you are perfectly entitled to lay down some ground rules about how often you are willing to indulge his preferences.

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