Character assassination: The favourite pastime of Irish women
What do you get if you cross the life and soul of the party with an insecure people-pleaser? An Irish woman, of course! We are a mass of contradictions. For the most part, we are genuinely uncomfortable receiving compliments. On the other hand, the mere hint of a slight or insult turns an Irish woman into a snarling she-devil. We never complain in restaurants and avoid confrontation at all costs. Yet our favourite pastime is complete character assassination.
There are a number of explanations for this phenomenon. Firstly, it is a well-known fact that Irish people love to laugh and, by that rationale, they love people who make them laugh. We will forgive many things, but having no sense of humour is considered a cardinal sin. Adulterers, thieves, bankers, lying scumbags, crooked politicians – it doesn’t matter how serious the offence is – they can expect nothing less than immediate absolution as long as they are brilliant craic.
Most massive personalities are generated from a very young age. Traditional Irish families were large. Parents were busy and attention was scarce, and so it was important to establish yourself as a ‘character’, thereby guaranteeing a disproportionate share of your parents’ affection. If that didn’t work, you were reduced to bed-wetting. A guaranteed way to become the most celebrated child in an Irish family is to start swearing at a very young age. If an Irish child has reached the age of three and has not yet started effing and blinding, there will be a certain amount of familial concern. The inoffensive child may be brought for a hearing test or even a developmental check. There will be huge relief all around when eventually the slow starter calls Granny ‘a bollox’. Everyone will fall around laughing, delighted with the child. The child’s mother will proudly relate the story to her friends and colleagues. All of this will have taught the youngster two valuable lessons about being Irish: firstly, a lack of vocabulary is easily remedied by cursing, and secondly, as long as you can make people laugh, you will be loved by everybody in Ireland.
However, even hilarious Irish women have their off days. Once you have been labelled as brilliant craic, it is a hard persona to shake off. Never again will you be allowed a break from talking. The phrase ‘comfortable silence’ is considered to be a contradiction in terms. It is said that nature abhors a vacuum – empty or unfilled spaces are unnatural as they go against the laws of physics. This is nothing compared to the way an Irish woman views a pause in conversation. A spell of silence defies her laws of nature, and she is compelled by a force greater than herself to fill that silence. The fact that she may have nothing worthwhile to say is immaterial. Another related trait in an Irish woman is their propensity to exaggerate. An Irish woman is never a little bit hungry, thirsty or hungover. An Irish woman is always DYING from the aforementioned conditions. Although we are prone to bigging things up, however, this never applies to our own merits.
Why do Irish women find flattery so abhorrent? Is our self-esteem so low that we cannot imagine anyone being appreciative of our looks? Maybe it is because Irish men are not prone to lavish praise. Consequently, we are unpractised in the art of graciously accepting a compliment. This affliction is so ingrained that we cannot even receive compliments from other Irish women. Even an innocuous situation where a friend remarks ‘I like your top’ can cause consternation. You would think that any woman would be pleased to be admired by her peers. Au contraire, the average Irish woman will react in one of three ways: Rebuff the compliment by belittling the item under discussion, e.g. ‘Oh, this old rag? I’ve had it for years’ or ‘Thanks, Penneys’ best.’ Immediately draw attention to a perceived failing: ‘Look! I have psoriasis all over my elbows.’ Parry the compliment with a return compliment, thereby making them feel uncomfortable. Better still, introduce a bit of paranoia into the equation, such as ‘I was just saying to Mary the other day how well you are looking’. Firstly, this lets them know that yourself and Mary had a rendezvous to which they were not invited, and secondly that they were the main topic of conversation.
It is ironic, then, to consider an Irish woman’s inability to give negative feedback to anyone. How many of us have sat in a restaurant, gazing miserably at our overpriced and inedible meal, and then, when the waitress asks if everything is okay, we answer that the food was delicious but we just are not that hungry? Rather than being furious at the poor quality of the meal, we are ultimately relieved that we have avoided confrontation. Whether she is eating in a restaurant or speaking to the consultant who has just made a critical error during her life-saving surgery (‘I didn’t like to bother the nice doctor, I’m sure one lung looks very like much like another’) the important consideration for the Irish woman will be not to make a fuss.
The Jekyll to our people-pleasing Hyde is an Irish woman’s fixation with gossip. Gossiping is a national pastime practiced by all Irish females, young and old. Some nationalities have a penchant for skiing or mountain biking; we practice extreme slander. If knowledge is power, then salacious insight is currency in this country. Grown women have been known to beg for a mere morsel of gossip. Once you have been the recipient of a tidbit of gossip, you need to think very carefully about what to do with this precious gift. An Irish woman who has been sworn to secrecy is like a ticking time bomb. She is liable to incur internal injuries if she does not get to transmit her secret rapidly and completely. So, exactly how many people can an Irish woman tell when she has been ‘sworn to secrecy’?
It’s best to limit your gossiping to your best friend and one other randomly selected friend. Telling your partner is hardly worthwhile. Most men have an unsophisticated memory process not unlike an Etch A Sketch. You can spend an hour and a half setting the scene and recounting the most riveting scandal of the decade, then, upon offering him a cup of tea, every single word you have just uttered will be erased from his memory forever. Colleagues don’t really count either as they exist in a parallel universe; if there’s a lull in conversation at the water dispenser, knock yourself out.
Most of the aforementioned personality traits are specific to Irish women. European girls don’t partake in any discernible people-pleasing and seem to be quite happy to sit in silence for hours at a time. Occasionally, when asked a direct question, they may shrug or even sneer. They don’t appear to have any manic compulsion to make everyone like them, in fact, they don’t seem to care if you like them or not. Their self-assured ness is awe-inducing and their detached demeanour makes a mockery of everything an Irish woman stands for. Many Irish women default to performing monkey mode when they find themselves in the company of a number of female foreigners. If the Irish woman is unable to generate a bit of craic, or even the occasional verbal response, she will often up the ante out of desperation. In the more extreme cases, she may even resort to full-blown Andrew Lloyd Webber tactics, performing a solo re-enactment of the entire Cats musical in the canteen at work under the cool appraising gaze of foreign co-workers.
No matter how many explanations you receive, you will never fully understand the enigmatic Irish woman. The day may come when you feel that you have begun to comprehend what drives and inspires these women and, more importantly, how not to piss them off, but this self-congratulation will be all too brief as an Irish woman is full of surprises. At any given moment she will announce that she has decided to emigrate, go back to college or take up basket weaving. So it’s best not to get complacent: hold tight and enjoy the ride.
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