I'm struggling to get back on track after my husband's affair

Q. Six months ago I found out that my husband had had an affair. We decided to recommit to our marriage and are closer than ever. 

However, I am struggling to get our sex life back.

He has admitted it was a very passionate relationship and now I can’t stop thinking about what he did with the other person.

I am finding it really hard to be comfortable with him sexually. How can we get past this?

A. Infidelity is a serious marital crisis from which there are only two conceivable outcomes; you remain together, or you divorce.

Either way, it takes longer than six months to work out which path you are on.

Very few couples split up immediately after a revelation of infidelity. Most will try to patch things up, particularly if kids are involved, but couple counselling is no guarantee of success.

A study led by Rebeca A Marín, of the University of Washington, found that the odds of divorce for couples in counselling who had endured infidelity were more than three times higher than they were for couples dealing with other issues.

In the aftermath of infidelity, there is a temptation to try to get things back on track as quickly as possible.

Your husband obviously feels guilty. He knows that he has hurt you and he wants your discomfort, and his, to go away.

Sex is an obvious salve because physical intimacy is synonymous with forgiveness, but for you, sex is now bound up in betrayal.

Intellectually you want to reconnect with him, but physically you recoil from the act that is the root of your pain and mistrust.

You feel desperate for detail, yet knowing that your husband’s affair was “very passionate” does you no good at all.

Rumination is a way of coping with intrusive memories, but at the same time it prevents you from letting go of negative thoughts and feelings. If your marriage is to survive you need to work out what made your relationship vulnerable in the first place.

There is a profound difference between deciding to try to work things out and achieving true reconciliation.

To repair trust and rebuild a sexual relationship, it takes time and patience, reflection, honesty, self-awareness, and maturity.

Your decision to recommit is a very positive indicator. When Shelby Scott and Galena Rhoades at the University of Denver carried out a retrospective analysis of reasons for divorce, lack of commitment (94.4%) and infidelity (88.8%) were the most frequently cited. So is the fact that your husband’s infidelity is out in the open.

In Marín’s study, more than half (57%) of the couples dealing with infidelity that had been revealed prior to or during therapy remained married by the five-year follow-up. By contrast, only 20% of couples where infidelity had been hidden during treatment remained married five years later.

Couple counselling can only help to repair a marriage when both parties are fully committed.

Talking to a neutral third party will encourage you to reflect a little more objectively on the quality of your relationship prior to the crisis. Gradually you will begin to feel yourself letting go of the anger and the fear.

Although sexual intimacy is the first casualty of infidelity, it can also be the first aspect of your relationship to manifest improvement. Couples who have wrestled their relationship back from the brink often rediscover intimacy in a way that they could never previously have imagined.

Finding the right therapist is obviously crucial. So do your homework before choosing one.

When dealing with issues that challenge trust, emotionally focused couples therapy, which draws on attachment theory, is likely to be the most effective.

The approach was developed by Dr Sue Johnson and I would recommend that you read her book Hold Me Tight (Little, Brown and Company).

* Send your queries to [e-mail]