Ask Audrey, she's been sorting out Cork people for years

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Ask Audrey, she's been sorting out Cork people for years

Hello there. Myself and some chaps in the office are thinking of going to Cork next weekend, now that we can fly in from London City Airport. Where is the best place to find women in Cork who are impressed by money? — Randolph (I’m actually even posher than I sound)

The best place to find Cork women impressed by money is at 73, Knobs Lawn, Ballinlough. Let me know when you are arriving and I’ll turn on the heating. Send the rest of your friends to Douglas. It’s a suburb on the southside where gangs of blonde women gather in bars to complain about the cost of bringing the au pair on their skiing trip. One word of warning for your friends. Don’t mention that you work in financial services. Let’s just say a lot of rich Cork people got screwed by a banker in recent years. And not in a good way, Randolph.

Bonjour. I am in Cork this Sunday for business. Will it be safe to support France while watching the match in one of your pubs? Claudine (people say I am like a good looking Keira Knightley)

You won’t get a moment’s peace. There will be a queue of lads lining up to tell you they hope France wins and would you like to come to Hillbillys for a bag of chips. That promises to be about as romantic as a weekend in Cappoquin. Your only hope is that you’ll meet a nice boy from Cork city. At least he didn’t sharpen his courting skills on livestock. (Needs must below in Kerry.) I have to say, I envy the Irish team facing your lads on Sunday. It’s been ages since I had a gorgeous French man lying on top of me out in the middle of a field. I really miss going to Electric Picnic.

C’mere, I see that there is still no funding to turn the N20 into a motorway. This is typical of the crowd above in Dublin. What can we do about it? — Donie, Farranree.

I agree Donie, it’s absolutely crazy.

The proposed motorway means that someone in Limerick could make it to Cork in under an hour. That will only encourage them.

Something must be done or Cork will be over-run with day-trippers who think that Castletroy is the last word in sophistication. I’ve noticed a lot of Limerick people are already coming here now that every second shop is a Starbucks.

We have to discourage them. The county council is doing its best, but we can’t expect the roadworks at Buttevant to go on forever. The election is coming any day now. It’s time to tell our politicians that instead of a motorway, we want a big ugly permanent traffic barrier on the N20. And no, I’m not talking about Mallow.

How’re oo going on? I was above in Cork last week and decided to try a thing I heard about called cappuccino. I went into a café, there was a young fella in a beard wearing his grandfather’s clothes behind the counter. He laughed his arse off at me and said everyone is drinking filter coffee these days. What’s the story with that crack now? — Sean Ger Mickey (Turn right after Dunmanway and go up the hill, keep going for an hour).

The story is that Cork has been taken over by a plague of hipsters. Last year they ran out of ways to look down on non-hipsters so they decided to bring filter coffee back into fashion. Suddenly drinking cappuccino or espresso is about as trendy as a dress shop in Boherbue. In fairness, I don’t think the café hipster was laughing at your order. The guy in question actually posted a photo of you up on Twitter. It’s hard to keep a straight face when you’re looking at that much nose hair. Just saying.

I’m planning to host a Halloween party here for my urchins. They go the best preschool in the city, but thanks to the government, the final year is free and there are kids in their class whose Dad didn’t go to Pres or Christians. Some of them arrive to school in a Renault! How can I avoid inviting these poor unfortunates? — Sorcha (The part of Blackrock where people start to talk if you are spotted in TK Maxx).

I don’t think it should be that difficult to scare them off. Particularly given that you sound like an awful witch. My cousin Melanie is an even bigger snob than you are Sorcha. (Imagine!) She sent out birthday party invites to everyone in her son’s Zach’s class even though some of their moms went to Christ the King school on the wrong end of the South Douglas Road. She happened to mention that the kids would be served swordfish risotto. Only the children of right eejits like yourself came along. No offence, obviously.

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