Tips on how to get your child to open up to you

ASK your child ‘how was your day?’ and it’s likely you’ll get a one word answer like ‘fine’.

If you never hear much about your child’s life, it might be time to change your line of questioning.

Young children can be quite literal in how they interpret questions, says clinical psychotherapist Joanna Fortune ( www.solamh.com ), who acknowledges that, while under-fours can struggle with cohesive narratives, children tell parents stuff even pre-language, eg, crying when hungry.

If you want to know more about your child’s life, ask a different question.

“Ask them to tell you the best bit about their day, something good. And ask them to tell you something they’re not happy with, that they wish went differently. If you get these two bits of information daily, you’re doing well.”

Encouraging your child to confide involves seizing the right moment — a time when neither you nor they are distracted.

“Children often say ‘my mom or dad is always on the phone, it’s very hard to talk to them’. Be present, be available — and make sure you’re at eye level with the child,” advises Fortune.

She says it’s a fallacy for parents to think being ‘friends’ with their children will result in them confiding more.

“Children aren’t looking for their parents to be their friend. They want parents to be in charge, to be able to trust that they can go to them and depend on their wisdom.”

It’s also vital to listen rather than trying to ‘fix’ a problem the child shares with you.

And avoid judgments. If your child tells you they were scolded by teacher for being ‘mean’ to a classmate,

Fortune recommends first sympathising and showing the child you know how they’re feeling. Only after doing that do you go on to explore what they could have done differently.

“If you can bring them to where they decide not to be mean to a friend, that’s better than saying ‘you shouldn’t be mean’.”

It’s really, says Fortune, about trying to see things from your child’s perspective — ‘what is it they need from me now?’ Of course it’s true some children are natural chatterboxes and with others you’ll be lucky to get an answer to the ‘best/worst bit about your day’ question.

Anecdotally, it seems mums generally tend to be the primary confidant for both girls and boys.

But while some parents with a non-confiding child adopt an approach of ‘if there’s a problem,

I’ll hear about it’, Fortune advises checking in with teacher if you hear little at all about your child’s day — ask what they observe in relation to the child.

TOP TIPS

* Encourage open communication from a very young age.

* When asking your child a question, be present and maintain eye contact.

* Ask yourself: what is it my child is looking for me to do right now?

* As child grows/ develops, allow them to change the way they communicate with you. Don’t demand to know everything.