Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years...

Guten Tag. My wife and I will fly into Cork soon for what you might call a dirty weekend. We are keen swingers here in Hamburg and would like to know where we should go to meet like-minded people. (Henrik, Hamburg)

Have you heard of Kinsale? It is a small village south of Cork with delusions of grandeur. Some say it turned its back on wife-swapping in the 1990s to concentrate on the whole tourist and gourmet thing. I say don’t look sideways at the couple next to you in the restaurant in Kinsale or they’ll invite you back to their place to “watch their holiday videos”. Myself and himself nearly choked on our chowder last year when the woman at the next table threw over a note saying “I presume ye are not here to look at rich people in their yachts.” The cheek of her. Assuming we don’t own a yacht of our own.

What’s the crack? The wife and I are coming down from to Cork next week because out daughter is marrying a local. I was thinking of bringing herself for a romantic meal the day after the wedding. Where would you recommend? (Pascal, just outside Clonmel)

I presume you don’t mean you are planning a romantic meal with your daughter. That might be ok if you live just outside Clonmel, but we take a dim view of that sort of thing here in Cork. I can understand why yourself and the missus must be in celebratory mood, though. It must be beyond your wildest dreams that your daughter would get her teeth into a Cork man. Talk about social climbing. Any restaurant in Cork will come as a pleasant surprise to someone from Tipp. I always find it adds to the occasion when the man at the next table doesn’t blow his nose in his napkin and shout, “These snots are still fierce green looking, Nora.”

The blessin’ of all the saints of old Ireland on ya. I’m flying into Cork next week to travel the Wild Atlantic Way. Any minute last-minute packing tips? (Daniel MacMurphy-Sullivan-O’Looney III Jnr, Chicago)

I’d pack four umbrellas and a box of anti-depressants. You might want to bring your own food too, because by the time you get here, most of Cork will be in Lanzarote. This must the worst summer in living memory, unless you are fan of 17 degrees celsius and drizzle. Things have got so bad here that the weather forecasters have been put in a witness protection scheme to protect them from an angry mob. Some people will tell you there’s a better chance of getting a bit of sun on the east coast. There’s also a better chance you’ll end up sitting on a dirty beach next to a Dublin family with their weird, whiney accents. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

I hope you can help me. My guru said I should be nicer to people who are beneath me in society. I’m going to make a start by talking to the Polish lady who cleans my house. Or maybe she’s from somewhere else, sure how would I know? Anyway, what do you say to you these people? (Alexandra, an absolute giant of a house in St. Luke’s, you couldn’t afford it in your wildest dreams)

I don’t think it matters what you say to her, Alexandra. She’s still going to go home and fantasise about pushing you off Patrick’s Bridge at low tide. And who could blame her. I try and avoid talking to the person who cleans my house. After 25 years of marriage there isn’t much to say to him anyway. Other than “do a good job on the kitchen and I might put on the nurse’s outfit later.” The oven would be sparkling so much you could almost see it from space. Nice one.

Ciao. I have just moved from Milan to work here in Cork. I’m Italian and will only get upset if I don’t have three girlfriends on the go at any one time. How should I seduce your lovely ladies? (Pepe, Milan and Lee Road)

I’d start by calling them something other than lovely ladies. (Don’t call them at two in the morning either asking for some fun. We hate that. Most of the time.) It used to be that the correct way to seduce an Irish woman was match her drink for drink and then lob the gob at the end of the night. That’s all changed. Now you have to find them on Tindr and arrange a date. Then you match them drink for drink and lob the gob at the end of the night. That bit is still the same. Thank God. Sure you couldn’t be putting that off until a third date like some kind of crazy American.

It used to be that the correct way to seduce an Irish woman was match her drink for drink and then lob the gob at the end of the night