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Hi Audrey. I’m desperately looking for activities for my two young sons so they don’t drive me bonkers over the summer holidays. I don’t want to seem like a snob, but we’re very well off and I’d hate them to spend the summer with a pack of norries. My nephew went to Ballyvolane for an hour one afternoon and ended up calling his mother ‘Mam’. She’s still in counselling over it. Anyway, I need some activities for the boys over the summer that will allow them to make suitable friends. Do I make myself clear? (Penelope, that part of Sunday’s Well where we find it hard to remember the names of all our servants)

It couldn’t be clearer, Penelope. You are the snobbiest woman in all of Cork. And that’s saying something. The bad news is that Cork is too small to find anything 100% norrie-proof. So your best bet is to keep them in your massive home. Here’s hoping they don’t start talking to Gerry the Gardener and end up saying daycent. That can be irreversible.