Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Hi Audrey. I’m desperately looking for activities for my two young sons so they don’t drive me bonkers over the summer holidays. I don’t want to seem like a snob, but we’re very well off and I’d hate them to spend the summer with a pack of norries. My nephew went to Ballyvolane for an hour one afternoon and ended up calling his mother ‘Mam’. She’s still in counselling over it. Anyway, I need some activities for the boys over the summer that will allow them to make suitable friends. Do I make myself clear? (Penelope, that part of Sunday’s Well where we find it hard to remember the names of all our servants)

It couldn’t be clearer, Penelope. You are the snobbiest woman in all of Cork. And that’s saying something. The bad news is that Cork is too small to find anything 100% norrie-proof. So your best bet is to keep them in your massive home. Here’s hoping they don’t start talking to Gerry the Gardener and end up saying daycent. That can be irreversible.

Top of the bejaysus to you. Meself and me missus are fulfilling a lifetime dream by going to Killarney next month. We are flying into your little airport and then onwards to our little bit o’ heaven in the county of Kerry. How far is it from Cork to Killarney? (John-Paul-Willie McMurphy-O’Flanagan, Chicago)

Killarney is about an hour away from Cork. Although it can seem more like 20 years when you see the clothes on some of the Kerry crowd. We’re still scratching our heads in Cork

as to why they put nappies on the jaunting horses in Killarney. Seriously, it would have been far more in their line to supply nappies for some of the locals. (The smell, John-Paul-Wille! You’d swear there was some kind of law in Killarney against people owning more than one underpants.) I hope now you enjoy your trip to ‘heaven’, John-Paul-Willie. Maybe pack an oxygen mask or two, just in case.

Guten Tag. I am visiting Cork next week for a conference on aliens. Can you give me some language tips so I can understand what people are saying in restaurants? (Klaus, Berlin)

The main thing Cork people say in restaurants is “grand”, particularly when someone serves them a pile of old slop. Sure we can’t complain. Seriously, we can’t. The correct way to get a waiter’s attention in Cork is to put up your hand and shout, “Sorry! Sorry

!” There is no need to be meek about this. You have nothing to apologise for. It’s not like you’re from Limerick or anything. I have some advice if you are interested in aliens while visiting Cork. Seriously, if you want to observe weird life forms speaking gibberish, all you have to do is get the train to Dublin. Or if you’re really stuck for time, just go up and look at the norries. Just don’t get too close.

G’day. I am one of those Irish people who says g’day even though they only moved to Australia four years’ ago. I’m returning home soon because I’m sick of mad culchies in Tipperary jerseys making out like we have something in common. Where is the best place to buy property in Cork now? (Josh, Bishopstown and then Melbourne)

I wouldn’t recommend a return to Bishopstown, Josh. Not if you plan on meeting anyone under the age of 90. I’m guessing you’re young yourself, because anyone called Josh in Cork 20 years ago would have been reported to the cops. (“He thinks he’s an American, guard.”) To be honest, I’m no expert in property. But that didn’t stop me from buying three apartments off the plans in north Cork last week. Now all I have to do is find people who think it is a good idea to live in Mitchelstown. Thank God there is no shortage of eejits north of Watergrasshill.

Alright man. I have this friend from Cork called Dave, he’s alright in small doses, you know what I’m sayin’? But a lot of the time on the phone he just replies with “That’s right, ya” to everything I say. What’s the story there, man? (Deco, Dublin)

Dave is probably using a device called the CorkMan Phone Simulator (CPS). This is an app on our mobile phones we use to carry out boring phone conversations with people who are about as interesting as the history of Dungarvan. Don’t take this as an offence, even though it is meant as one. For your information, there are just two settings on the CPS. “That’s right, ya” is used throughout the call. Which you then end with “Go on, I’ll let you go. Go on, ya, go on, go on.” Normally if the incoming call is from Dublin, we just use that at the start. Again, no offence.