I’m married but I’m attracted to younger women

I have been happily married for 30 years; I love my wife, but, recently, I have been attracted to younger women, in particular one 20-year-old who works in my office.

I don’t view her as a potential conquest, but I am more excitable in her company and sometimes make inappropriate sexual remarks. Am I having a midlife crisis?

As we age, plump-skinned youths, oblivious to their own beauty, induce a potent mix of awe and loss in all of us, regardless of our gender.

It’s a universal phenomenon and you should not be ashamed. However, stop and think about what you describe as “excitable”.

At best, you are making an idiot of yourself. At worst, especially if you are her boss, you might be making this young woman uncomfortable.

Inappropriate sexual remarks can be sexual harassment and if a complaint is made against you a ‘midlife crisis’ won’t wash as an excuse.

In midlife, everyone questions who they are, but it was defined as a period of crisis only in the early 1960s, when the Canadian psychologist, Elliott Jaques, noted that a number of great composers and artists experienced a period of turmoil, marked by significant shifts in style and worsening productivity, during middle age.

Since then, there has been a great deal of research into the physical and psychological changes that occur in the ageing male.

However, unlike menopause, which brings female fertility to a rather abrupt halt, ‘man-o-pause’ is much more subtle. Male testosterone levels decline after the age of 40, but only by 1% a year, so there isn’t the same jarring cessation of function that females experience. Many men transition with no apparent distress.

The male midlife crisis is often described as the moment a man realises that if he doesn’t get a Harley, a hair transplant or a divorce right now, he probably never will.

For some men, this ‘crisis’ frequently coincides with a cataclysmic life event — the death of a parent, redundancy or illness. Some men see the dark at the end of the tunnel in a flash. Others hit the wall in slow motion, thanks to a combination of family and financial pressures.

Different men cope with midlife in different ways, but sex often seems the solution.

Some will prioritise their sex life and pay for sex on a regular basis. Others may visit porn sites or start an affair. Then there is the option of simply doing nothing and putting up with things.

Whatever the response, the ageing male still needs to validate his sexual potency. Indeed, the ‘Viagra divorce’ is testament to the confusion that has been created by a drug that reinvigorates male sexuality, at a time when the female libido is in natural decline.

You don’t say whether you and your wife have sex, but 30 years is a long time to be in a monogamous relationship and it is easy to build fantasies about sex with a younger, more adventurous woman.

As Lester Burnham so effectively demonstrates in the film, American Beauty, bar drugs and alcohol, the dopamine rush of a beautiful young girl is the quickest and most efficient way to numb pain and alleviate boredom.

Burnham eventually sees the futility in his fantasy, but he manages to change his life and his attitude. And you can, too. Set yourself new goals — to climb Mount Kilimanjaro or take up the 12 Bens challenge in Connemara — and reinvigorate your sex life with your wife.

Be adventurous and ambitious for your relationship. Book a private massage workshop, for you and your wife or get a spa treatment for couples. I have recommended tantric sex workshops with great success in the past.

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