Children become attached to friends at a young age

IT’S quite common for children — when transitioning from pre-school to primary — to develop a really strong attachment to one friend.

So says Joanna Fortune, clinical psychotherapist and director of Solamh Parent-Child Relationship Clinic.

She urges parents and teachers to keep it in perspective — the child is responding strongly to the first-time excitement of having a special friend.

“Finding a child the same age as them, who likes the exact same kind of play, and to play that play all day is very exciting. Finding what they like about each other and getting a positive response from the other child is very comforting.

“They get the security of playing with somebody predictable and they will hang onto that in an otherwise anxious experience,” says Fortune, who points out that some children find it easier to relate to just one friend rather than socialising with a group all at once.

If both children are happy in and with their close — almost exclusive — friendship, leave them be, especially when they’re young, advises Fortune. “They will work it out for themselves.”

She recommends parents get involved in children’s friendships only if they have a concern or if the school or other parent has.

It could be that the strong feelings aren’t mutual — one child wants to dominate or control the other child’s time and the other child is resistant to that.

“Children don’t have the same conscious impulses that adults do, so it’s most likely the child’s way of managing anxiety — perhaps they feel they’re away from Mum and Dad for a long time,” says Fortune.

She recommends using distraction strategies, as well as setting up play opportunities to explore the feelings the child is experiencing.

“They could project their experiences onto dolls — their dolly wants to get away and your dolly is trying to keep her there. Ask ‘How would each doll feel?’.

Ask what would it be like to have your friend play with someone else? What would it be like if someone couldn’t play with someone else?”

Fortune recommends learning the names of other children in your child’s class, so you can ask “What does Hazel like to play? Maybe we can have her over so you can play that game.”

It can be very difficult for a child if their friend doesn’t want to be friends any more.

“They can see it as rejection. Encourage your child to see there’s a whole class of children around them; they don’t have to depend on one child.

“They’re only learning about friendship, about social situations, about playing nicely, sharing and taking turns. Some will get it sooner than others.”

Top tips

* Enlist teacher’s help.

* Learn about other children in the class and what their interests are.

* Set up playdates with one or two other children outside of school hours.

* By using role-play or games with dolls, help your child explore feelings around the situation.