You won’t bounce back in a rebound relationship
SPLAT! That’s the sound of a rebound relationship hitting the wall. You don’t have to be a psychologist — or a mathematician — to predict that the sooner you pair up with someone else after a big split, the shorter it will last.
Coldplay’s Chris Martin boinged from Gwyneth Paltrow to Jennifer Lawrence within months of the end of his 11-year marriage. The splat sound is Lawrence and Martin breaking up, after a relationship that only began in August. Should he have waited longer? Or dated someone older? Or both?
Much snideness abounded about Martin and his ex-wife’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ last March, whereas breaking up emotionally intelligently and compassionately is what every separating couple should do. (Which is better for you and your children — doing it consciously, or doing it with a restraining order?) However, Martin made that classic move of leaping into a new thing almost straightaway.
It’s a common reaction. You feel rubbish, and you want to build yourself up via external affirmation. If you’re someone like Chris Martin, you can do this with someone like Jennifer Lawrence. What ego would not recover from a break up by dating Jennifer Lawrence?
And Lawrence, who has recently been through the horridness of invasion of privacy via hacking, was probably chuffed to be dating another handsome Brit, after her own split from UK actor, Nicholas Hoult. What could possibly go wrong?
“Don’t jump feet first into a new relationship,” writes psychologist, John Sharry, in Parenting When Separated. “Take it slowly. It has to be a package deal. If the new partner isn’t keen on children or an instant family, then it’s best to call a halt early on.”
This is what Lawrence seems to have done. Whatever her feelings about children and instant families, she is 24, and Martin is 37 and the father of two children, aged 10 and 8. When you are in your early 20s, and not a parent, sharing your new boyfriend with his ex-wife and their children is not sexy, unless you are mature, unflappable, laid-back and generous of spirit. And it can be tricky no matter what your age or parental status. I have two children, and broke up with someone after a year of competing with his two children, the two children’s mothers, and the knowledge that I would always be fifth on his list of priorities. Sod that. Who wants to be second — or third, fourth, fifth — fiddle in an intimate relationship? No-one.
If you had to save either your children or your partner from drowning, it would always be your children who get the lifebelt. That’s just how it is. But until you are a parent yourself, this can be hard to grasp. So the trick is to date people who are also parents, but even this is not guaranteed to work out.
Martin and Paltrow have made a good job of separating — amicable, compassionate, and child-focused — but introducing a new lover into the dynamic, especially one as young as Lawrence, (and also, as a star, in possession of an ego) — well, it’s a lot to ask of a new relationship, isn’t it? Especially one under massive scrutiny.
Interestingly, Paltrow began dating in August, as well, with the co-creator of Glee, Brad Falchuk. However, unlike Martin and Lawrence, Paltrow kept her relationship not secret, but private. She is 42, and has been dating in public since she was Lawrence’s age. Her new relationship has not been dissected by the media. It will be interesting to see if it lasts — is it harder to be the new girlfriend or the new boyfriend? Lawrence couldn’t hack it — will Falchuk, who is not particularly famous, stay the course?
Dr Sharry warns new couples not to see new family set-ups “as an opportunity to cut loose or reduce contact with the other parent. It’s a big help if you can maintain a good co-parenting relationship and communicate, and negotiate, directly with the other parent.” This sounds like what Martin and Paltrow have been doing — which is wonderful (and vital) for the continued well being of their children, but was, perhaps, too difficult for Lawrence to remain involved.
Creating new relationships while remaining a consistently loving parent and a cordial, compassionate ex-partner is not as hard as we think. Flexibility, empathy, maturity. And make time for each other when the children are with your ex. There’s room for everyone, if you do it right.
