I’m worried about sex with my new girlfriend

I’m worried about sex with my new girlfriend. I’m 10 years older than her and have just come out of a marriage. 

She’s in her late 20s and I feel she’s probably expecting experience and mind-blowing sex — but my marriage was sexless towards the end and I feel very out of practice.

It is great that you have met someone new. People counsel against rebound relationships but as long as you don’t rush into serious commitment, the distraction of a new partner is the most effective way of distancing yourself from your divorce.

Try not to be anxious about sex, though. I know that’s easier said than done, but worrying about your sexual performance is actually the most effective way to sabotage it. Because human beings have not yet evolved the ability to differentiate between an angry lion or, say, an angry boss, any form of threat, whether it is real, or imagined, can have a debilitating effect on the male erection.

Heightened anxiety triggers the release of the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, which act to divert blood flow away from the extremities. Since the last thing a man in a crisis needs is an erection, the vessels that supply the penis constrict and the blood that would ordinarily make the penis hard, is redirected to the muscles, heart and lungs to prepare the body for “fight or flight”.

Bear in mind that your stress levels have probably been escalated for months, if not years. Marital breakdown can be a slow and agonising process and you need to give yourself time to process the experience. Although men may fare better financially after divorce, they often suffer more emotionally. Roughly 70% of all divorces are initiated by women (Amato & Irving, 2006), and initiating divorce is associated with higher post-divorce wellbeing. At the opposite end of the spectrum, men who do not want, or cannot bring themselves to end a failing marriage are more likely to feel depressed, lonely and angry, or to use alcohol as a form of anaesthetisation.

Men also tend to remarry significantly sooner than women after a divorce, but a man who has not addressed his part in the problems that destroyed his first marriage, simply drags the same set of issues into his next one. Having said that, age, experience and higher aggregate incomes, mean that older couples in second marriages now have a lower risk of divorce (31 per cent) than couples marrying for the first time (45 per cent).

It is virtually impossible to eliminate stress from daily life, but it is possible to manage its effects. Any form of exercise, whether it is running, playing tennis, working out in a gym or even strenuous manual labour, will improve your circulation — which aids blood flow and erection — while basic relaxation techniques such as yoga, or meditation will reduce your stress levels. If you can’t find the time to take classes, just lying on the floor and taking long slow deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth will help to relax you. If you don’t get too hung up on performance, sex with your warm and willing girlfriend will help you most of all. Mind-blowing sex is not about rock hard erections and performances, it’s about giving yourself permission to “feel” and, after the misery of an unhappy marriage, the experience of authentic intimacy will be both soothing and restorative.

Because it has been a while since you had sex, you have probably forgotten that sex with a new partner is often compromised by lack of familiarity. However, as soon as mutual trust and confidence increase, awkwardness and insecurity disappear. Even if your erection fails you completely the first time, be honest about your anxiety and focus on her sexual pleasure rather than yours.

To learn more about oral technique, read Ian Kerner’s book She Comes First (Souvenir). Alternatively, my book The Sex Book (Cassell) is a straightforward guide to everything you might need to know about sex, health and sexuality. People are often reluctant to “learn” about sex from books because they feel it should be instinctual, but we happily resort to cookbooks when we want to make eating more interesting. Why should sex be any different?

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