Lies do no favours for children

IF the wind changes, your face will stay like that”, “carrots help you see in the dark”, ‘watching too much TV gives you square eyes”.

We’ve all been told these fibs by our parents and we’ve probably told them ourselves.

In a recent British survey of more than 1,300 adults, 93% of respondents admitted telling lies to their children. Among top parental lies were: If you keep pulling that face, it’ll stay that way; the toy shop is closed today; watching too much TV will give you square eyes; Mummy and Daddy are allergic to puppies/kittens.

Parents said they did it to encourage good behaviour in their children and to stop nagging.

Joanna Fortune, clinical psychotherapist and director of Solamh Parent-Child Relationship Clinic, says there’s probably a place for pro-social white lies. “Parents do it to change and incentivise behaviour. They lie out of convenience, to avoid meltdowns, to save time.”

But she adds a caveat. “Lying to children with the intention of avoiding confrontation doesn’t do them favours in the long run.”

She’s aware of one mum who tells her pre-schooler the sign in the park says “all children must keep their coats and hats on”.

“She avoids a tantrum in that moment — but ultimately part of our task as parents is to let children experience frustration so they learn to process good and bad feelings.”

Fortune urges parents to be aware of when and why they tell these lies and to remember there are better ways of handling a child’s behaviour.

Telling your child “the zoo is closed today” or “Granny is sick so we can’t visit” might move things on in the moment, but if your child catches you out, it’s best to come clean, advises Fortune.

“Own up — ‘I told you the zoo was closed because I didn’t want you to feel sad about not going. I’m sorry — lying isn’t right and I should have told you the truth’.”

Parents sometimes lie to kids to protect them — saying “Grandma will be OK” when you know she won’t or the family pet “has gone to a faraway farm” rather than he died.

“Our own discomfort can cause us to lie rather than the child needing the lie. Age-appropriate honesty is better. We have to trust that children have their own way of dealing with life events and that we’re there to support them through it.”

There’s probably a healthy social benefit to some of the pro-social fibs, says Fortune.

“It teaches us that not everything our family says is true.”

Top tips  

* Honesty’s the best policy.

* Age-appropriate answers sometimes demand creative versions of the truth.

* If caught out, come clean.

* We can’t expect our kids to always tell the truth if we don’t.

* Trust your children to handle the truth, even if it will upset them.