What’s worse: a sexual affair or falling in love?

A survey suggests gender dictates how men and women respond to physical or emotional infidelity, reports Sue Leonard.

NOBODY likes a cheater. The betrayal is utterly devastating, but what’s worse; a sexual affair, or an emotional one, where your partner falls in love? According to a new survey carried out by Elite Singles dating agency, your answer to this, depends largely on your gender.

Of the men surveyed 65% said that sexual unfaithfulness was worse, but the majority of women think emotional affairs are harder to deal with. So far, perhaps, so predictable, yet there’s a certain irony here too. Because, the survey found, men were far more likely than women to be sexually unfaithful (43% compared to 30% of women) .and women were more than twice as likely to fall in love with someone else. (27% compared to 12% of the men).None of this comes as much of a surprise to Gerry Hickey, a Dublin psychotherapist and counsellor.

“Men are absolutely devastated when their partner has a sexual affair,” he says. “I’ve noticed that more in recent years. And women find it much easier to forgive. But when it comes to emotional affairs women are really worried. And it does seem that men use those as a patch for a damaged relationship. Often those partnerships don’t last too long afterwards.”

But that doesn’t mean that a man and a woman can’t be friends.

“It’s all about boundaries,” says Hickey. “If they are just shooting the breeze over a drink or coffee that is okay, and such a confidante of either sex, can be good for a relationship.

“But when they start going out for social nights together, and doing relationship things, that’s where the trouble starts.”

Hickey doesn’t often see couples complaining of emotional infidelity; and that’s because the person justifies it, saying its non-sexual.

“It’s usually a woman and she’s usually a professional,” he says. “She’ll say, ‘you know how stressful my job is. I have to have someone to talk to.’ That’s her excuse, but that person should be her husband.”

Sam Doyle and Alex Calder are both in their 20s . Sam is a copy writer for an advertising agency, and Alex is content and social media manager with Horseware. They’ve been together for almost four years, and fidelity is vital to them both.

“I couldn’t stand sexual or emotional infidelity,” says Alex. “Either would be such a massive betrayal. Though it would be much harder to find out if someone was emotionally cheating; it’s not an act, so there would be no admission.”

She wouldn’t forgive Sam.

“I have a terrible temper, and I’m quite jealous,” she says. “If he was making connections with other people, there would be no point in forgiving him. Even if we were married and had children I would finish the relationship. I don’t see how I would be able to put it together again.”

Sexual infidelity would be a deal breaker for Sam too.

“I don’t think I would forgive Alex, because I would have lost my self-respect,” he says, adding that it’s the dishonesty that would really get to him. “That would be the issue.”

He’d be less definite about an emotional affair.

“If she hinted that she loved somebody else, I’d be furious, but then I’d calm down. I’d tell her to go away and think about it; and I’d have to decide how I felt.”

Sam wasn’t too faithful when he was younger.

“I’d think, I can do what I like. It’s harmless. And when I was older, I was unfaithful when a relationship was coming to an end. I told the person each time. That made it easier for them to hate me.”

Alex cheated in the past too.

“I used cheating as a way of getting out of a relationship, because I’m cowardly. But I didn’t tell them. There was no explanation. I feel bad about that.”

Their housemate, Declan Shaw, describes himself as a gay serial singleton. At 30, he’s never had a longstanding relationship, but says he’d never mind if a partner cheated on him.

“I have anarchistic leanings, and have friends who favour open relationships,” he says. “That’s the background I come from. Sexual fidelity means nothing to me, and an emotional one would be a symptom of something else.

“It’s not about forgiveness. I would not reject a loving relationship because my partner had been unfaithful, but I would worry that the relationship might end sometime soon.”

When the recent EU candidate Jillian Godsil got married at 23, she was totally monogamous.

“I was very conservative,” she says. “I was in love and thought that was it. But 16 years later when our marriage was over, I saw that the world had got a bit different. It was fun.

“Our marriage just crumbled. When that happens all love and sex goes, so it was fun to get into the world and realise that I was still attractive. I use internet sites and I’m making up for lost time.”

If she gets into another relationship, will she expect her partner to be faithful? “I’d like it, but I don’t think infidelity would be a deal breaker,” she says. “I’m much less definite about it than I was in my 20s . Now that sex is much more out there in Ireland, I think it’s less of an issue. I self published an erotic trilogy, The Cougar Diaries, and through my research I met people who were into swinging. Couples now love experimenting.”

She feels that an emotional affair might be damaging.

“I don’t know how I would react to that. But I think if I felt there was something worth salvaging I’d say, ‘let’s try again.”

Rob Doyle, 31, is the author of the newly published Here Are the Young Men, a debut which examines the problems facing his generation. Just starting a new relationship, he’s been worrying about the issue of fidelity.

“When I start to fall for somebody it terrifies me, because of the possibilities it opens up for extreme pain, jealousy and anxiety. Life is a lot simpler when you don’t have that.

“Physical infidelity would feel a lot more threatening to me than the emotional stuff; it feels so raw.

Has he ever been unfaithful? “I’ve tried not to be, but at the early stages of one relationship all sorts of stuff happened. It was a complex time. As men we’re in this terrible trap. We are not monogamous by nature, but we expect monogamy. With our desires, it’s hard to keep on the straight and narrow, but the idea of being on the receiving end of infidelity is awful.”