This much I know: Louise O’Neill, Writer

If I could change anything in our society, it would be inequality — in sex, gender, race, age — everything.

If only we could let go of trying to focus on our differences and allow others to be who they want to be and appreciate them for who they are.

My struggle with eating disorders began when I was 14 years old for a myriad of reasons.

Before that I was a secure child. My parents own a butchers in Clonakilty and I grew up there.

I have always had an interest in fashion. But, early on, I started feeling like something was wrong with me intrinsically. As if I was a bit broken inside, not like other people. I thought if I looked perfect on the outside and was stylish maybe I would be able to cover it up. Fashion became a clever mask for me to hide behind.

I was always conscious of how women were being judged and evaluated on their appearance.

My uncle died when I was 14 and I lost a lot of weight out of grief and started getting a lot of attention, people saying ‘oh you look amazing, you’re so skinny’. So I tried to maintain it. I became obsessed with exercise, then bulimia kicked in. It was so insidious. Once it took a proper hold it was really difficult. I had bulimia, then anorexia, which is very common. It is rare to have an anorexic who doesn’t make themselves sick on occasion or use laxatives.

After school I went to Trinity to study English and History. Then I did a post-graduate degree in fashion buying in DIT and interned in Dunnes Stores as a buyer. I got the idea of doing fashion writing and was lucky enough to work on Elle magazine in New York for a year. I genuinely don’t know how I got the job.

My idea of bliss is to feel really content and connected to myself. The times I feel like that are usually when I’m in nature, somewhere like the Dzogchen Beara Retreat Centre or on Inchydoney beach.

When I was in New York I relapsed and started losing a lot of weight.

I realised I’m 26, I’m living in the best city in the world and I’m wasting my life, sleep walking through it all. I wasn’t present. I felt I’d done the same all the way through college. I started seeing a therapist and a nutritionist over there and by the time I came home I was the healthiest I’d ever been.

I’m not complacent about it. I eat regular meals, gave up sugar, do yoga twice a week, therapy once a week, acupuncture once a month. I don’t eat out or buy clothes. I spend my money on self care. As soon as I start disconnecting from my body and not paying attention to what I eat, that is bad for me, it’s like a domino effect.

Hot water and lemon and meditation are now an essential part of my morning routine.

I wasn’t sure what to do when I came home. I decided to take a year out and said this is it, I’m going to write, now or never. Having taken the year off I felt I had to give it 100%. I became like a hermit, just me and my laptop and my book. I was able to write full time, five hours a day, six or seven days a week.

Writing the book was cathartic. The process of going back to it day after day, working through it and letting it come, forced me to face my greatest fears of not being good enough, or not doing something perfectly. I started in March 2012 and had a draft by the end of August.

So far life has taught me that what other people think of me is none of my business.

Louise O’Neill’s debut novel, Only Ever Yours, is published by Quercus.