My husband’s two-hour sex sessions are too long for me

* My husband and I have a loving relationship and a healthy sex life.

But sex takes too long. He is a very sensual and enjoys lovemaking sessions of two hours. After 30 minutes, I’ve had enough, so I have started to dread it. We never have a quickie — he doesn’t see the point. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but what should I do?

>>A sensuous, sexually enthusiastic husband, who invests so much in sex, is a problem most women would gladly endure.

But while two hours of languid lovemaking sounds lovely in theory, in practice I can see how it might be too much of a good thing. Sexual appetites ebb and flow. An infrequent feast is fabulous, but sometimes it is just as satisfying to eat and run.

Unfortunately, your husband probably believes that his slow-cooked sex sessions are a sign of great prowess. Men aspire to sexual stamina, partly because of a fear of premature ejaculation, and partly because a man who can last longer in bed is more likely to be able to time his orgasm to coincide with his partner’s. The fact that porn stars seem to go on for hours doesn’t help, either. Though the porn hard-on is invariably the result of desensitisation, Viagra, amphetamine use and sympathetic editing, it has become an unattainable ideal — the size zero for males.

The average male ejaculates three to six minutes after sex begins; the majority of women don’t feel too cheated, because most of us don’t achieve orgasm through penetration alone. Of women to whom I have spoken, 82.3% cite the clitoris as the most sensitive part of their body, and just 30.9% orgasm solely through penetration.

Now, I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but keeping this problem to yourself means you are hurting your relationship, instead.

When you dread sex, for any reason, there is something seriously wrong, not just with your sex life, but with your ability to communicate with your partner, too. Sex is a bilateral experience. Both partners ought to be instrumental in its choreography and neither one should ever feel that they are being forced to adhere to the other’s agenda.

When one person dictates the terms of sexual intercourse, it ceases to be a mutual endeavour, and if the person who is being imposed upon feels unable to express their dissatisfaction, or their distress, the relationship is undermined. So, you need to have an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him that you love him, but admit that sex has become a problem, because it takes far too long.

If he becomes defensive, or is reluctant to agree to quickies when you don’t feel like anything more intensive, there may be an alternative explanation for his marathon sex sessions.

A small percentage of men suffer from delayed ejaculation, which means it takes them from 45 minutes to an hour to orgasm during vaginal intercourse. Like most sexual problems, the causes can be psychological and physical. If the problem is physical (a side-effect of medication/blocked ducts/nerve damage) he needs his GP to refer him to a urologist. If it is psychological (trauma, conditioning), sex therapy can help. Hypnosis can also be helpful, but men are notoriously bad at addressing issues like this, so, for you, the first step towards solving the problem is to start the conversation.

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