First sex encounter with my boyfriend was over in minutes

¦ I have been dating someone I really like and recently slept with him for the first time. It was the worst sex I have ever had.

He clearly didn’t know what to do, there wasn’t any foreplay and it was all over in a couple of minutes. He’s only had short-term relationships before and now I know why. Is there a kind way of teaching him what to do?

>> No foreplay and a 60-second jackpot doesn’t sound very promising, but first sex is often the worst sex.

In the 21st century, lust can get you naked on a first date, but intimacy still takes ages. You may know that he has three sisters and a defined contribution pension. He may know that you like soya lattes and Ed Sheeran, but to know each other in the biblical sense requires an ongoing physical conversation that begins with the first awkward hello and ends with you finishing each other’s sentences.

You can’t judge a man by his first-night performance because nerves and over-excitement make the pressure so much worse.

Premature ejaculation occurs more frequently in men who are inexperienced, but a guy who is afraid of sexually embarrassing himself is not going to risk foreplay. Though no one wants to return to the sexual restrictions of the 1950s, one of the advantages of the ‘no sex before marriage’ diktat, was that heavy petting in the back seat, or behind the Wimpy bar, enabled men to build up a tolerance to sexual stimulation with their partners — continued exposure to even the most rousing stimulus gradually decreases sensitivity.

Practice generally tends to resolve the issue, but if you want to teach him how to please you, it is best to separate the “sex” from the “education”.

Don’t have the conversation directly before, during or after sex, don’t bring it up during a row, and don’t make him feel inadequate. It will probably be the first time a woman has ever spoken to him about his sexual performance, so sensitivity is imperative.

Sex is a subject that can be difficult to talk about at the best of times, but it is particularly challenging when there is a chance that what you are saying will be interpreted as a personal criticism. Stress how much you like him and make it clear that you want the relationship to work, but be specific about what you want him to do.

Being explicit might feel awkward, but you need to bear in mind that 90% of communication is non-verbal — 60% is expression and 30% is tone. He will only take in about a third of what you actually say but your face, gestures, posture and the tone of your voice will convey whether or not there is any point in him making the effort to try to hold on to you.

If he likes you as much as you like him and the problem really is just stress and inexperience, you should see a demonstrable improvement in his performance within weeks.

Premature ejaculation isn’t much fun for anyone but it is not an insurmountable problem. Condoms help delay climax, but can irritate the skin. You could also try the “stop start” technique, which has been proven to help. This involves masturbating to just before the point of no return, stopping and starting again once the sensations have subsided.

If that doesn’t work, he might benefit from a mild anti-depressant to dull sensation and delay climax, or a course of psychosexual therapy to help him address anxiety triggers.

But I suspect that having an open and understanding partner will do the trick.

And if you can help him to overcome an issue that has hampered his ability to have a successful relationship to date, he will gladly do whatever you want him to between the sheets. And then some.

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